I don’t have the same sense of accomplishment I used to have after I do things.  I used to feel great that I did chores, finished homework, finished a day at work, etc. But now I don’t feel that as much. I’ve been getting into a habit of rewarding myself after accomplishing things. Maybe I’m corrupting my sense of accomplishment with an external reward, conditioning myself to only seek that external reward.

Dance, dance and be born

into silent screeches torn

across faces. Places we haven’t seen

since middle age, coming ahead.

Crises flowering into beds of Deadheads

dancing, dancing, drinking creaky cheeks

meeting fleeting greets and stretching skyward. Another one bites and she said

Another one bites and she said

“I’ll pick you if you forget my name.”

Sales Call and Losing Control

Brain Dumpers,

It’s a constant battle with myself and I’m losing. I think I’ve given up trying to control my life because I experienced a huge loss of control and I realized that I don’t have complete control over my life. I made no sales that winter and I was supposed to have at least one. Just one sale would’ve tied me with me with the next loser above me. But no, I failed the hardest and I let everyone down, including my manager who believed in me and spent a lot of time coaching me. I told myself daily during that sales trip that I could do anything I put my mind to. I kept telling myself that, day after day in spite of my miserable performance. I positive-self-talked myself with a refrain, “you can do it, you will not stop unless stopped by the cops”. Then, the last day came and I felt completely destroyed. It proved to me that I could NOT do everything I put my mind to. That there were things I was just bad at. This did not sit with me well. Ever since, I’ve been battling with myself over everything, thinking that there was no point in doing anything since I could just be bad at it, or that I could not control the outcome. I didn’t want this new perspective, but it just stuck. Now, I have a tendency to make excuses for myself whenever I don’t follow through with good behavior. Some part of me thinks, “Life could fuck you up at any second, what the point of taking any control at all?”. I know intellectually that I should make an effort precisely because so much is random and out of my control. I need to try to mitigate the damage. But on a gut level, I’m still making excuses for myself.

I need to increase my own reputation with myself, or else I’ll get so depressed that I’ll commit suicide. Probably not. I love myself no matter what.

So sad to be home

Hi Brain Dumpers,

I’m really sad to be home. I’m mostly sad because I don’t feel connected with anybody in my house.  I really feel like I can’t talk to my parents about the good things that happened during the week. I also feel like they don’t really value talking to me. I just feel like I can be honest or happy around them. I feel like they are going to get mad at me about something. I feel like my step mom doesn’t have a clear position on who does the dishes and when. It’s bothering me that I don’t feel like I can talk to her honestly about what her position is. I feel like she will be condescending to me.  I think I should talk to her. But I know that she will get defensive and make me feel like I’m stupid. She undermines my confidence.

Maybe I just feel depressed because I ate too much salt. Who knows. I feel sad that I feel like they are so distant from me. They don’t ask me how I’m doing and I don’t think they would like it if I asked them how they are doing. I don’t know what to do.

They feel like they’re so far superior to me that I can’t get through and connect with them. I feel very much so that they see themselves superior because they are a generation older than I am. Maybe I’m just imagining things. I don’t want to get bitter. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning. Maybe I’m just tired. k

Dear Brain Dumpers,

I almost called you BRIAN Dumpers. Hehe. Which reminds me that I haven’t talked to my friend Brian in a really long time. How the fuck did I lose 2 friends on Facebook? Idk if that’s anything to worry about. Right now, it’s the only social connection that I have. It’s through Facebook that I get to tell everyone that I’m still alive and what I’m doing. I like the attention, even though I shouldn’t. But who the fuck cares? Dude I’m so fucking hot. Like temperature hot. I’m going to take off my sweat pants brb. Okay, I’m down to my skivies and I moved to the garage. It isn’t much cooler in here. I don’t know if it’s in fact any cooler. Dude. I had a good day today. I want to say that I had a good day but I know that there are some things that I could’ve done better. The day was enjoyable for sure. I really enjoyed myself. But I didn’t really edify myself. The biggest thing that I want to work on is concentrating on making calls at work. I’ll try harder tomorrow. God. I’m getting really aggravated thinking about how much more I need to be doing each day.  I don’t even know what to write about anymore. It’s like all I can say is that my day was good for the most part and I still need to improve. That’s about the gist of it. Okay. But this is a long-form blog post so let’s dive deeper. I find myself enjoying things a lot more lately. I enjoyed people telling me that I’ve lost a lot of weight.

There’s this guy Jake at my work and he’s pretty fucking funny, in kind of a lumbering way. I thought he wasn’t that smart but he’s a very logical thinker and he’s getting good grades in school. Maybe we can be friends. What would we do though? I think we should just get nachos. Perfect.

Let’s focus on me though.

I feel like I should be more concerned about missing my reading each day. I think that will really help me. I’m reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl dude. I think I’ll just read right now

 

I’m coming to realize that I’m more like my sister in a lot of ways than I thought originally. Mainly, I’m like her because I blame people. I should say that she SOMETIMES blames people and that I’m beginning to blame people. Today, I blamed my aunt for my being paranoid about my dad selling my cat. And I really don’t like that I did that. I blamed her because she threatened (jokingly) that she was goin to throw my cat away if he sat on the bed again. I don’t like it when she does that and I know she doesn’t do it alo ti just think that she shoudl not do that any more when I wam done typing the is I hope to be clean of all my thoughts and oog no that thought is just coming out and i will try to just focus on what i am thinking about which is that i am blaming people and i think it all stated when i moved back here and when i started to live with my family and my dad down here. i really can’t blame this whole baliming thing on them too. i am that one who is responsible for  the way I cact and I should be the one who should temper myself when it comes to my behavior and I think that I should really focus on trying to make sure that I don’t blame pople especially those that have no intent of harming anybody else or who didn’t do anything . i should dish out as little blame as possible whenever possible even when i think that people deserve it. how would i feel if I was blamed for everything that I did wrong. Yes I guess I would deserve to be blamed but I would not want unneccessary or destructive criticism to come my way. I really think that I should say sorry to my aunt tomorrow and that I should be clear that I don’t blame her. But I think it’s too late and that I don’t get to say it anymore. I guess I do have to say it. though but what the fuck it would be too awkward. I’m becoming a person who doesn’t like awkward situations anymore. I used to put myself in awkward situations all the time if it meant that I would benefit or if someone would benefit from it. LLike saying sorry or for example, speaking up about something. I will make sure to control myself and make it so that I will enter awkward situations more if it means that I will benefit people. I know that it’s awkward but I can live through it. I just mean to say that I will not care anymore about what other people are doing. I really actually only started to care what people are doing when I took that job with dish one. I took that job such a long time a go and I’m still not over it. Something happened on that trip that I will never forget. I’ve already described it to you guys. II remember thinking about what other people were doing very intently and I found out that everyone was paying attention to what everyone else was doing very intently. it was like all our minds were focused on the group and what was happening. I guess this is normal. but not for me. I usually just pay attention to what is going on with me. I really think that I want to get back there and that I need to remind myself of the way I thought and did things back before I took the job with dish 1. everything was working for me up until then and I want to get back there. I was more capable and I was more in charhge of myself . I was more drivven and I was more willing to take risks. I really miss the old me, the college me. I want to get back into the same mindset that I was back then. I really think that I should start listening to the same speakers, authors, thoughtleaders, entrepreneurs, and influencers that I used to listen to. I will start with Tim Ferriss. I can swallow him and what he has to say. that is where my college life started. I started reading him and listening to him and that’s what got me inspired to go to college in the first place. I listened to him all through college and made sure that I was as much like him as I possibly could be. I’m on a mission, starting tonight to be more like Tim Ferriss again. I will get back to the same place that I was before I took the job at dish one, even considering my new mind. the mind that I now have because I heard voices, still do. I am still in control of myself and I will start feeding my mind with motivating ideas and voices and thoughts once again I will pursue all the things that made me successful through college and what helped me become really focused during that time.

thanks for the time,

un abrazo fuerte

Sister Moved Out!

Brain Dumpers,

I got my mother-fucking wish! My sister moved out and I’m excited. I’m excited to see what I’m like and what my life is like without her in the house. She moved from Orange County, CA all the way to Los Angeles. I’m so psyched. I kind of miss her. But mostly, I’m excited. I get to be home without worrying about her always getting on my case, talking down to me, telling me what to do, or making fun of me. I can just live my life in peace. I kind of feel like I’m alone now, which is a little frightening. But it’s just like training wheels for me when I really DO live on my own. I’m going to live along in my own house with just my drum set as my companion. My sister moving out is just another step along the way to emotional independence. I can stop worrying about her when I come home. I can just have the house to myself. I can have it clean, orderly and just the way I want it. My parents and I get along for the most part. It’s just my dad that gets angry and unreasonable sometimes. I’m really dreading mentioning to him my plans to get a futon because his last objection was that shipping would need to be paid for a return if we don’t like it.

I guess I’ll just show him and see if he gets mad.

Marcus

Brain Dumpers,

I’m really fucking sad and I don’t know why. I was fine 20 minutes ago before I got an invitation to an awards ceremony for certificate receivers. I received a certificate in search engine optimization last year and now they’re giving out awards. I got sad when I started thinking of people to invite. I realized that everyone I invite would not want to come, but that they would maybe just go because they felt obligated to. I used to not care about this kind of stuff before and now I do. I really wish I was back to the way I was before. Not the fat and lazy part. Just the not caring part.

It’s been a while since I wrote you guys and I hope that you’re doing well. If you’re even out there haha, no one reads this thing. Comment below if you read this! Anyways, I’ve been having troubling thoughts about my sister. She’s been getting on my nerves and criticizing me and telling me what to do for the past 4 months and I’m to the point where I say, in my mind, that I don’t love her. Of course I don’t want to think that. But what the fuck? That thought crosses my mind.  I’m always happy when she’s not home and I hate spending time with her lately. I don’t know how to solve this. I think our relationship will get a lot better once she moves out. I think I need a good, long break from her. She should be moving out later this year if she can find a roommate. She also has to find a reasonably priced apartment and she also has to convince my dad to pay some of her rent. There’s a lot of work to be done and she’s not doing any of it and it’s driving me crazy. I just want her to leave. I also feel different around the people close to me. I feel like I have nothing to say to them. Mostly, I’m just a bad conversationalist. I suck at conversation. I don’t know how to do it. I’m most comfortable when I’m just playing a game with someone. I like playing board games and I like playing video games with people. It takes the pressure off and makes the rules of social interaction simple -just do what the game tells you to do. I just feel weird with every single person in my family lately it might just be a phase that I’m going through. I’m might emerge on the other side of it much better off and much more capable to relating to people. I just want to hurry up and get to the point where I have my own house and my own remote job so that I can have a place to retreat to when I’m feeling drained from interacting with people.

I should write a lot more. This shit really helps. I keep thinking about what my sister would say and I try to say the opposite. I don’t want to be like her and I keep thinking about what she would say and how she would say it. It’s frustrating to me that I can’t differentiate what I think she would say and my own thoughts. It’s really fucking frustrating. I just want to get her out of my head. It feels like I can’t relax because she’s in there. God dammit. I wish she would just move out already. I can’t stop talking like she would talk it’s been too long since I’ve used my own voice to think and talk and not hers. She’s taking over the fuck of my life. Jesus Christ. Nigger Cunt JEW CHINK HITLER TITS KKK BABY FUCKERS SKULL FUCK. Saying that shit helps me. it cleans me out. God I fucking hate her right now. Part of me kind of likes it. But that’s bad and I should stay away from my lesser self. My sister and I will be fine with each other when she comes around and when she moves out. Child molesting clown faggot! dick sauce! God it’s been way too long since I’ve written and I’ve forgotten how much I love it. Stay the fuck out of my mother fucking head mother fucking sister voice. jew nigger cunt faggot dick muncher tits fart turd twat hitler jesus nancy penis hole dick cunt deer

I guess I’m done trying to impress people. So that’s good. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing without worrying. I do need to read more though and I do need to keep up drum practice more consistently. I skipped today because I needed to study but that shouldn’t be an excuse. I should just use my study time more wisely so that I can play the drum everyday like I should be, I’ll take my practice pad with me when I go to my mom’s house on Thursday to study.

I Feel Like I Accomplished Nothing Today

Brain Dumpers,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps. I’m your host, Marcus. My last name shall forever be a secret.

I’m coming to you today in a state of unrest.  I feel uneasy because I feel like I didn’t really accomplish anything today -like today didn’t even matter. From an outside perspective, I accomplished several things:

  1. Got my blood drawn for lab tests. Kind of an accomplishment
  2. Played 90 minutes of drums
  3. Finished some extra credit for my programming class
  4. Read The 4-Hour Workweek

That’s a pretty good day I guess. But I’m upset because I didn’t do more. I should have practiced drums for 2 full hours. I should have studied for my test after finishing the extra credit. I should have gone to the gym. But I’m also having another thought: would it have really mattered if I had done all the things I was supposed to do? I guess I need to find purpose. I say that my purpose is to eventually help people. But I don’t know what that means. I also have a new thought that I need to express myself and make music or art. . . . I don’t know. I think I’m on the right path to finding purpose. My ultimate goal is to share music with people that they will enjoy. Something that gives them catharsis -like Dashboard Confessional. I’ll need to rethink the way I’m approaching music and really think about how I’m going to spend my time if I want to make the music that I want to make. I can feel myself getting excited by the thought.

But I want to do something interesting too. Funk screamo?

Idk

Marcus

Ahoy, Brain Dumpers,

I want to talk about drum practice. Drum practice is not going well. I keep cutting my practice time short because I keep telling myself that I need to study. Really, I do, but I could use my allotted study time better so that I maximize my time better when I’m actually supposed to study. I’m not concentrating hard enough during my normal study time.

I’m going to look up ways to study better. BRB

How to Study

  1. Use the Pomodoro Technique
    1. Study in 25-minute intervals with
    2. 5-minute break in between each interval
    3. 30-minute break every 90 minutes
      1. Meditate for 5 minutes at each of these long breaks
    4. Remove all distractions
      1. Turn off social media and distracting websites
        1. Use an app like the Self-Control MacBook app to block certain websites for an allotted block of time
      2. Turn off all notifications on your phone and computer
      3. Lock the doors
      4. No texting and no phone calls
      5. No eating or smoking except at breaks
    5. Listen to music
      1. Something calm and instrumental like this: Beautiful Mind: Best Study Music for Concentration and Better Learning – 1 Hour Music
    6. Meditate
      1. Again, meditate for 5 minutes at each long break
      2. Listen to calming instrumental music while you count breaths
    7. Single task
      1. Focus on doing one thing at a time
    8. Eat brain food
      1. Foods that release glucose slowly like complex carbs from legumes, nuts
      2. Lower your glycemic index, this can be accomplished by restricting your carb intake to the slow-release carb sources mentioned above
      3. Omega-3 fatty acids like from fish, walnuts, and flaxseed
      4. Food with tyrosine
        1. Tyrosine is an amino acid that makes you feel energized
        2. Tyrosine can be found in meat, dairy products, and eggs
      5. Remember your motivation
        1. Think about your long-term goal for studying and remind yourself before every study session

Hey Brain Dumpers,

So I just got back from hanging out with my brother and it was the fucking tits. We played Magic: the Gathering and we made some gifts for my mom for Mother’s Day and then we saw his neighbor’s band play. It was a good day.  What really stands out to me was how well the social interactions went today. Specifically, when my brother and his friends were talking about me to my brother’s friend’s girlfriend, they had good things to say about me. They talked about how I make a Facebook post every night about five good things that happened that day. And they also talked about how I take pictures of everything that I eat.  I do these things for that reason, as an apology for my otherwise “nothing” personality I really have nothing to offer socially except for these things. And then my brother’s friend said I was getting better at the drums. That’s really good to hear. That’s something interesting about me, that I actually practice the drums hard. These habits are precious to me, they make me interesting and I like that I do them. I need to keep doing these things.

I also realized that my overall goal of drumming or doing something musical for a living doesn’t seem too farfetched. I just need to keep working hard -even harder than I’m working now. I’ve got to stay faithful to my drumming and I really need to be practicing more deliberately. Now, just to figure out a way to actually implement it and know what that means in actionable steps.

My overall goal is to play music or do something music related for a living. Playing music. To do that, I need to practice a lot more than I am right now. I need to practice at least 4 hours per day. For that, I need to create more free time. To create more free time, I need to reduce the number of hours that I work while still making a livable income. To do that, I need a job in which I can make my own hours. To get a job where I can make my own hours, I need to do work that doesn’t rely on per-hour results. Work that doesn’t rely on per-hour results is project-based work -as long as I can be paid for the project, it doesn’t matter how many hours I spend on it. I’ve chosen programming. Programming is a growing field that pays well and pays based on projects, not hours. Other bonuses for programming: I like it, It makes me feel cool and smart, Programming chic and attitude is laid-back, It lends itself to remote work because all of the work can be done on the computer and submitted online -remote work will also let me work from home, which cuts down on commuting time and gas money and workplace politics and fits well with my loner personality. In order to get a livable programming job that pays based by the project, I’ll need to develop the skills and the reputation to attract employers. I’ve chosen to get a Master’s degree to do this.