Tomorrow Never Dies

It’s night time. I’m feeling tired. I’m feeling good about things. The poster on my wall knows I’m really happy at night because that’s when I masturbate. Flattened punk rockers watch me pleasure myself. My penis is five inches long and one and a half inches in diameter.

The ceiling fan hurries me, tells me I MUST cool down now! Whirring whirring. I’m trying not to mind it as I write. I have too many ideas to write about to mind the ceiling fan. I think it could get my attention if it were whizzing through my ideas, chopping them up into individual words and pictures, making my ideas into bite-sized jello pieces instead of the massive undulating goop they are all born into.

Tomorrow is a good idea to write about. Tomorrow is bite-sized.

One day, that is tomorrow, I will go to work early and have an energy drink at my desk by the TV. The day will drag on for fifteen minutes at a time in between phone calls. I will peruse the posts on Facebook to pass the time. Baby animals sneezing. Rednecks shouting that Jesus loves guns. Gun enthusiasts will appear in my newsfeed right beside stories of mass shootings. Somebody will get married tomorrow for forever and somebody else will fall in love too, only with a bacon-wrapped avocado recipe. And then It’ll be four o’clock, at which time I will run-walk to my 2015 Scion xB and start a podcast interview before I start to drive home.

I’ll get home and scarf food for fifteen minutes and take Instagram pictures of my food while I’m doing it. A food fetishist will masturbate to my pictures. His penis is seven inches long and one inch in diameter.

The drums will welcome me with a shrug as I burp into my drum room. I will practice doubles on the snare at 360 bpm. I will do this for at least forty minutes before I have an existential crisis and reexamine my life as a musician. Then I will practice off-beat hi-hat splashes while soloing like a retarded chimpanzee. Or a normal chimpanzee that is drunk.

Seven o’clock will come which means it’s time that I will take a cold shower. WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!

Dinner. Slow-carb. Fifteen minutes or less.

Feed the cat. Two minutes.

Do the dishes. Fifteen minutes.

Scoop the cat litter. Two minutes

Read. Thirty minutes.

Work on business. Thirty minutes.

Organize. Ten minutes.

Write a Facebook post. Five minutes.

Write a blog post about bite-sized jello.

Masturbate. I will close the blinds so my neighbor doesn’t see me. His penis is 9 inches long and two and a half inches in diameter.

 

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