Near Psychotic Break, I Think

Why hello you sexy, sexy people,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps. I will be sharing with you today my experience of almost having a sincere emotional breakdown or a psychotic break or a scary scary few hours where I was experiencing paranoia and hearing voices. That experience happened today . . . just 3 hours ago and lasting until just a few minutes ago before I got my Diet Mountain Dew. I will try my best to be coherent, but forgive me, this is an attempt to describe an experience that literally almost drove me crazy.

So it all started today during work while I was sitting at my desk and overhearing some conversations that were going on right beside me. I was sort of paying attention and then I started to think about how my coworkers might be able to tell that I was sort of paying attention. That led to my supposing that THEY might be thinking, “Well, if he’s paying attention, I would expect him to jump in at any time now.” This would have been fine had I been any other person. But it was me in that situation. And, being of sound mind and spirit, I simply proceeded to stay silent and listen to their conversation with no intention of adding anything to it, all the while becoming more and more paranoid because I was sure that they could tell I was listening.

Now I don’t know why it bothered me so much to think that they were sure that I could hear them. In the past, I’ve always just overheard conversations and drifted in and out of listening with no paranoia or shame about participating. I think this instance was different because of the proximity of the participants in the conversation to me. In the past, I’ve overheard conversations go on all around me, but I never occupied the space between speakers before, which is what happened today. I was caught in the crossfire of words as they shot their conversation passed my head. I felt like a deer in the middle of two sets of headlights.Now if I had any other mind but my own, this brief paranoia would’ve ended as soon as the conversation ended. But no, I have a spectacular mind that is prone to delusions ever since a fateful sales bootcamp in 2013.

So, just a quick backstory, I was at a sales bootcamp for my new job at a dealer for Dish Network. During the trip, I started trying to fit into the group in order to study how it was to be on a team (sounds really stupid, but I actually tried to do this academically. . .  Like a professor watch apes). So I started paying close attention to everyone and how they were acting. At one point, it seemed like everyone knew something that I didn’t know. So I started to pay even more attention to find out what the secret was. What was I missing? The more I tried to get on the same page with everyone, the more I discovered that everyone seemed to be in the same massive conversation. But no one seemed to be talking about anything in particular. They just all seemed to be commenting to each other about random things. And then I started to think that they were all talking in metaphor about each other and feelings. . . Crazy, I know. One memory that stands out to me in particular -this isn’t an example of speaking in metaphor . . . it’s a clear memory of someone clueing me in to what was going on that I didn’t know about. I remember being in the car and someone just having said something, I think it was the girl that was in the car that said something, and then another guy comments, “There’s the feeling, think about it, think about it.” That comment came out of the blue and was addressed to everyone in the car. This was not a normal response to what she had just said. I guess he was commenting on the feeling she was expressing when she said what she said. I don’t know why he said that. . maybe to coach us some how on how to be more empathetic? Anyways. . . this whole trip was filled with moments like that. So much for quick backstory.

So I started having delusions that people spoke in metaphor and that people gave clues to other people about how they were feeling . . .

So I started hearing voices. . . the voices of my coworkers in my head. . . the clearest voice I remember hearing is our receptionist’s voice and my coworker Omar’s voice. Our receptionist Felisha was making comments that I didn’t understand. She randomly said “he fucked it” when I was thinking about my other coworker that got fired. And then, when I was playing drums. . . I had the one coworker that was fired in my mind and I was playing fine. and I could see my coworker Omar egging me on saying that I was doing great and then when another coworker came into my head, I started to mess up and then my coworker Omar said, “you have to play her too”.

So I guess these weren’t bad voices. They were voices of my coworkers and none of them were saying anything bad to me. I just got paranoid that I was hearing them.

I was paranoid that I was acting weird though. . . . and maybe I was. . .

The most paranoid thought I had was that other people could hear my thoughts. That idea actually runs through my head -that other people can hear my thoughts. When I get caught up in this delusion, it really affects my mood aversely especially since I’m such a sicko and think such racist shit all day.

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