So, I’m Failing at Life

Hello you singers to the sun,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps. Today, I’ll be talking about how I’m failing at life.

So I had the day all planned out. Yesterday, I took the time to redo my daily schedule and to make sure that I have time each day for the most important things in my life. Last night, my Saturday (today) was looking like it would be a good one. I woke up today thinking that I was going to complete all the things that I set out to complete. The morning went well, I got breakfast and went straight to my drum lesson. The lesson ended at 12PM and I went straight to Little Caesars and I also got donuts. I came home to eat, like I planned, and then I would go straight to my drum studio at 1PM to practice drums for two hours like I planned. When 1PM came around . . . I didn’t go practice drums. . . I just didn’t. I was too lazy and didn’t feel like drumming. This is not an excuse. But I’m not one to believe that pure discipline is the best way to get things done. I believe that if you set up your circumstances correctly, getting things done will be much easier. This is also a favorable way to do things because barrelling through things the hard way will expend your limited resources of willpower. So, before I talk about any of my other failings, let’s talk about how I can set myself up to play the drums consistently on the weekends like I do during the week.

I’ve committed to playing the drums for 12 hours each week. My plan, the plan that isn’t currently working, is to play 1 hour on Monday, 2 hours Tuesday through Friday, and 3 hours on Saturday. I’m playing Monday through Friday with no problem. It’s bringing myself to play on Saturday that’s the problem. One out of the three hours that I play on Saturday is my drum lesson, that I do each week with no problem. The two remaining hours, however, are a different story. I dither and procrastinate and complain and otherwise engage in all sorts of toxic psychological contortion when I think about playing on Saturday. I think I justify skipping practice today by telling myself that it’s my cheat day and that I should just enjoy myself while I’m allowed to eat bad food. This is the thought that ran through my head today at least.  (Thinking about this stuff right now is making me feel so bad that I just want to jack off and eat bad food and drink beer and smoke and just go to sleep. A part of me just wants to say, “Fuck it.” I must fight these urges.) I’m thinking about rearranging my schedule so that I play drums on Sunday instead of playing on Saturday. But see, I want one day of the week that is free from any responsibilities at all and that day has been Sunday. On Sunday, I usually just prepare for the week and I don’t have any other sort of responsibility. . . . . . . .But I guess I’ll try it tomorrow.  Next week, I’m going to experiment with my new schedule and really hone in on my thoughts and feelings about this. . . it is really stressing me out.

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