Purpose and Shit

Brain Dumpers of Earth!

I’m sitting here about to study, just like I am many times when I write these posts. I can’t say exactly how I feel except calm. And that’s saying something after the night I had last night. Last night, I wrestled around with voices in my head for hours.  They weren’t saying much of anything, but I felt like I could feel people’s presence in my head, like they were watching me or listening to me. At one point in the night, I felt like two of my favorite bands were introducing themselves to me. I was supposed to say something in response that made them okay with meeting me. Keep in mind, I know this is fake the entire time, I know people don’t hear voices. If they did hear voices regularly, I would assume that we’d all be okay with it, but we’re not, so I must be imagining things. So, I hold that to be true. However, some part of me keeps thinking it’s real, that I can somehow communicate with people’s spirits in my head. This thought is completely bologne, though. Like I said, people would be talking about hearing voices all the time if everybody heard voices and if they could really communicate with spirits.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just wanted to talk about it because this episode was so troubling to me. Not that I was freaked out, I was just annoyed because I couldn’t go to sleep. My old therapist would say to cut back on the caffeine, since that’s what triggers voice hearing in people like me. I have to say, I do drink a lot of caffeine.

Randomly, I’m thinking about this crazy lady who thinks that the Monster energy drink company is trying to spread satanic messages. She thinks that the logo’s and other symbols on the Monster energy drinks have secrets satanic symbolism. She thinks that the “M”, which looks like three scratch marks, are actually the Hebrew symbols for 666. I don’t know why I watched the whole video. She fucking crazy. The crazier part is that, for a moment, I thought, “OMG she’s onto something”. That’s how crazy I am. I started seeing patterns in things about 2 years ago. I see these patterns where any sane person wouldn’t see patterns. The Monster energy drink can is the perfect example. Thank Buddha, I have a voice of reason in my head that tells me shit like that is stupid. I’ve learned to not trust the patterns. I only see patterns in quilts now.

I feel good that I got that out of my system. That shit is crazy and all I want to do is to get everything off my mind so that I can study. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know who the hell I’m asking but, fuck it. Please Magical ancestors of dead Harry Potter wizards, call the Flying Spaghetti Monster to let me concentrate.

Oh god I feel like making love. I feel like making love to you. Ooooo baby I love the way.

Okay seriously I just want to study. I have to finish my homework tonight and it’s going to take me 8 hours just to get it done. If I start in 10 minutes, I’ll have it done by 11pm. Jesus fucking Christ my homework is hard. I also need to fucking study for my exam on wednesday and I feel like I’m fucking so far behind. I barely know how to write functions. It took me three hours to write like 20 lines of code. Of course, I can’t be that mad because shorter code is better. So, I did a good job. It just doesn’t feel like much because the output is so short.

I don’t feel like this brain dump is going well I keep thinking I’m holding back and I think I am.

Okay, let’s think about what I’ve learned so far:

  1. don’t use data types in function calls
  2. don’t use the same variable identifier in function calls as in the function declaration or the header of the function definition

That’s about it. Okay I almost forgot to look over reasons why I’m actually studying. Let me do that really quickly BRB.

God, I just looked at them and I’m feeling like these things are never going to get accomplished. And none of them excite me really. I think that I’ve gotten so used to my current living situation that I can’t even see how much better my life would be if I had the things that I want. But no, I shall keep working toward those things because I know in I will appreciate them when I have them. I just don’t FEEL like I would. . . does that make sense?

Let’s take the tiny house. I really want a tiny house so that I can live cheaply and not have much to manage. I don’t want to clean a large space. And having a small space will restrict the amount of clutter that I can bring into my life. Messy house, messy mind. And I can’t have a mess when I don’t have enough stuff to make a mess with. I also just like the idea of being a rebel. I’d be sticking my finger up at the notion that I need more to be happy. I think that opposite, the less you have, the more you can focus on the things you want to DO and BE. Yes, sometimes (this is what Tim Ferriss said) you’ll need a few things to help you along to be and do those things, but those things are just a means to an end. Essentially I want a life without trophies. The only trophies I want are those that are not empty braggin rights. Diplomas and awars. But anyway, smaller house, smaller monthly bill, less management of stuff, rebel.

I also want a job that will allow me to work from anywhere. This is the biggest benefit that my Master’s degree will get me. I want to work from home or live in a foreign country and work from there. Right now, I’m just thinking that I maybe won’t get it. But that doesn’t matter I will get it. And I will keep working until I get it. It doesn’t matter that I have doubts. I’m not going to set my sights lower.

My ultimate goal is to be able to play drums for 4 hours per day and to read 2 hours per day. Yeah, this seems selfish, but I’ll find a way to help people later on. According to the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. It’s okay to have a self-centered purpose to start out with and then realign yourself to have an other-centered purpose. This book was endorsed by Malcolm Gladwell, so it’s not just a quacky book. So that’s my overall goal, to have a life in which I can play the drums and read. Everything I’m working for moves me toward that goal. Fuck it, I said I wasn’t going to set my sights lower. I’m going to shoot for the moon. I’m going to try to make it as a rock drummer and live completely of my drumming. That’s what I want to do. But I also want the discipline to keep playing drums for 4 hours per day. Maybe even 8. I’m fucking so lost. . . haha. . .  I don’t even know what my overall goal is.  I just want to do it the Tim Ferriss way. . . start an automated, location independent business that brings me the bare minimum income I need to play drums for 4 hours per day and travel anywhere my band needs me. Then I’ll move into making money just off my drumming. . . So, step one. . . Get a remote job that makes me enough money to live and start a business. Step two start an automated, location independent business that frees up my time. Step three get so good at the drums that I can make money off playing. I’m not going to postpone practicing my drums though. I need to practice every day starting now. It all starts with homework. I also want enough money to buy all the Magic: the Gathering cards that I want. That really motivates me for some reason.

Ramble on.

Marcus

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