Freaking Brain Freakin Dumpers,
I’m writing this post almost out of desperation. Things are shit right now with my studies. I can’t really say why I stayed up really late night . . . oh wait, I fucking can. I stayed up late because I was watching videos on my fucking phone until 2AM. Jesus christ, I can evens stand penises. Jesus penises are stupid. I’m really getting off track here. I can’t believe that I’m typing so slowly. anyway, I stayed up really late and I just took a long nap today because of it. I feel stupid quite honestly. I’m a stupid person but I did act stupidly yesterday. I swear, I need to make an app that stops you from going on certain other apps for a designated period of time. I need to fucking make that app. I general, I’m a happy guy today. I’m too happy actually I’m not as worried about my grades as I should be I’m thinking “oh, everything will be fine. I’m not going to fail. I can drop the lowest test score. I’m just going to study more tomorrow.”Well I should be more fucking worried. Here’s why. If I don’t get an A on this exam, I lower my chances to get an A in the fucking class. If I get anything lower than an A in the class, I won’t get into my Master’s program. If I don’t get into my Master’s program It’ll be VERY difficult to get a remote job doing software engineering. If I don’t get a remote job doing software engineering, I won’t be able to work from anywhere and choose my own hours. If I’m not able work from anywhere and choose my own hours, I won’t be able to travel and drums whenever I want. Drumming is my ultimate purpose and I need freedom if I’m going to drum. This is stupid. I need to realize that every bit of effort counts towards my larger goal. I’m serious. I’m thinking that my saying I’m serious takes the punch out of actually being serious. Well, I don’t care. I’m going to say it “I’m serious” Seriously, want to punch myself in the throat for that last sentence. OMG I’m becoming a distracted tin man trying to get a heart in middle of an oil factory.
HOly shit. I’m freaking unbelievable. I don’t want to say stupid because that’s the wrong word. NEVER CALL YOURSELF STUPID. I’m distractible. Holy shit, I’m distractible. I just saved myself from posting on Facebook. I was a bout to post the line I just wrote about being a tin man looking for a heart in an oil factory. Although I do want people to hear it. It isn’t a genious line and it won’t hurt me any to not say it. BUT FUUUUUUUCK it doesn’t matter, I’m not going to post it. Jesus, this post is going well actually I really like how much I’m thinking through things and just Brain Dumping all over the place, which is why I write these posts anyway. Jesus I don’t know why it’s been so long since I actually did a post like this in which I actually brain dump legit. Jesus I’m talking and writing like an idiot. I’m speaking in colloquials and I’m really going to fucking get annoyed if my inner voice starts talking like a bro or someone from the Jersey Shore I feel like an idiot god, I hope my seat isn’t taken. Haha I literally moved from my car back into Taco Bell to get at my seat. And now I fucking regret it. I also moved in here so that I could make sure I wouldn’t lose this post for not being on the Internet (GOD THAT WAS THE WORST SENTENCE). Okay seriously I need to study and this is actually kind of making it better. I was thinking that this is making it worse but this is actuallly making things better. I’m thinking about all the things that I need to think about and I’m clearing my mind and priming myself to use the computer. Writing is a beautiful thing. (jesus, this is going to be har to read. and my writing is really fucking sloppy, but this is brain dumps so anything goes, but you know that. so why am I saying it jesus, this is a long tangent) writing is crystallized thought I reflects the writer at his best thinking. the thoughts have been written, rewritten and honed to perfection, unless you’re doing a brain dump like I am but usually it’s thought out and carefully honed. I don’t know what else to write about and I really want to keep writing. I think I have trouble speaking about concepts. maybe. even having that thought make me uncomfortable and makes me want to deny it without any further exploration. I can’t do that anymore I need to reflect honestly about my abilities. but I should not question what I’ve established to be ture. Unless some other thing challenges it, then I should reevaluate (jesus, that’s a hard fucking word to spell. ) Alright, so, I’m about to study. I’m thinking that I know how to study but that I’m just not doing it because it takes self-discipline, something I need plenty more of. I want to say that I don’t have any and that I suck, but that’s not true by any reasonable person’s standards. I’m consistent and I carry through with things that I want to do, as evidenced by my steady drumming and the degrees I’ve going so far. I can’t let this assessment be a reason for letting myself off the hook I’ve said it so many times but I’m acting like I’m off the hook. I really can’t let myself be off the hook unless I want to stagnate. If I want to stay in the same place forever and never move out, and continue to live in my parents house, (god, the longer I stay here the more I see myself as a loser, and I’m not a loser) then I can let myself off the hook but if I want more than I need to keep myself disciplined.
Here are a list of things that I want that I need my degree for.
- My own tiny house
- remote job
- work from anywhere
- live anywhere
- making money to buy things
- new drum set
- recording equipment
- Magic: the Gathering tier one decks
- drum clinic with Benny Greb
- know how to make apps and websites
- savings for the future and investment
- seed money for business
- Money to travel
- money to buy gifts for people
- perfect wardrobe
- recurring subscriptions for hassle-free refills of all the things that I need month to month
- fuego box
- reorders of refried beans
- vape juice and coils
- money to go out to really good restaurants
- the perfect kitchen with perfect appliances and kitchenware
- New computer
- gigantic tour bus like for bands.
And that’s about it, I’m sure I can think of a bunch of other things but those are the big things. I think I should make a list of all the things that I really want and put them on my phone somewhere so that I can look at it whenever I need motivation. I think I’ll do that right now, even before I finish this post.
Alright, I’m done
Jesus, I’ve been writing this post now for two hours and I don’t think i’m that close to finishing. I think it’s been too long since I last did an actual Brain Dump. I feel like I have so much more to think about. I think I should keep writing until I have nothing left to say or nothing else to write about. So, I just made the list of all the things that I need my degree for and I think it’s going to help me to stay motivated to study. Right now, I feel like I’m wasting time just writing and not actually studying. Tim Ferriss would say that writing is a “crutch activity” -it makes me feel like I’m being productive when I’m actually not accomplishing anything. I really feel like that rightr now. I don’t know why I keep writing then. i just feel like I need to get things off of my mind right now and to keep thinking until I have nothing more to think about. wow I said that already. I think I write differently when I’m in different places. I was just at Taco Bell and I was cussing up a fucking storm and now I’m home and I’m not cussing that much anymore. For some reason I keep thinking about how my sister would say “I’m cussing up a fucking storm” I’m also thinking about how deep my sister has gotten into feminism. Not to say that feminism is bad, I just think she is becoming more and more self-righteous about all of her causes. It doesn’t seems like she’s coming out of a place of caring. It seems like it comes out of the desire to berate other people. Now, I can’t this for sure. . . but this is the feeling I get. I really don’t want to think about what I’m thinking about right now So I won’t write about it. I will just move on. I really think that Emma Watson is a really good example of being a feminist. she’s capable, informed, brave, and caring. I think all women should take her example. And I wish all women looked like her. I would like the whole world to be clones of Emma Watson. And I want two of them. I’m thinking about what my sister would have to say if I told her that I wanted two Emma Watsons. I’m constantly interrupted by imaginary conversations with my sister. it’s really annoying, . . haha and it’s all her fault! JK. I think about imaginary conversations with random people all the time. but most of the time when I’m imagining a conversation it’s with my sister and we’re arguing. She’s really annoying me lately with her constant nagging about everything I do. I really just want to tell her to shut up. But she’s so freaking emotionally heightened that it’s just way too much to deal with her. She would blow the fuck up and and we’d be screaming at each other. The worst part of it is, she’s completely okay with going to bed mad at each other. the key to any good relationship is to clear the air as soon as possible and for each party to have faith that the realtionship can improve. I feel like I really hit my stride when I talk about relationships and shit, even though I’m no good at them. does that make me a hippocrit? I don’t know. It kind of sounds like it does. and now I’m just rambing. I can’t believe that I’ve been writing for so long. It feels good to hear my own voice and to stop the constant nagging influx of media.
I just took a piss. I think I might have a need to post every single thing that comes to my mind, whether it’s important or not. Maybe I feel the need to be heard. Maybe I’m just analyzing my shit way too much and not getting any work done. But I still feel like I need to say more. the thoughts just keep coming and it’s been a while since I’ve just sat down and really thought about anything. okay I will just keep writing, I will stop no later than 7pm, it’s 6:15 right now. Have I forgotten all that I learned from On Writing Well? I don’t know I know that I’m not really trying to write anything good right now. I’m just brain dumping and it feels good. wow i really like this. i just keep writing and keep thinking and I’m not afraid that it doesn’t make sense or that it rambles I just keep writing and wow, the thought are coming really smoothly now for me. It’s been a while since I’ve had a certain nagging thought from coming into my mind. It used to overwhelm my thoughts, but now it’s going away. anyway I don’t want to think about it but now I am. I’m thinking about what my sister would say if she heard me think these things. . . . .But she CAN. SHE CAN READ MINDS!!! buahahaha. jk omg I’m really just wasting time right now. but this is so fun right now. I’m thinking of Emma Watson right now and I imagine her smiling at me while I write. I think she likes that I like to write so much. haha. Okay, I’m in weird territory where I’m thinking about thinking and I don’t really like it to much. my inner voice just switch to Emma Watson voice and I like it. In fact its the best thing that’s ever happened to my darling. Jk. I really am not being honest about what I’m thinking, even though I try really hard. I’m constantly editing myself. so that I sound coherent. I kind of want to do an experiment where I just write whatever the hell comes into my mind (like I haven’t been doing that already.) wow I’m just got interrupted by the thought of my step mom making dinner. and I’m just commenting on everything that I hear or smell or see. I think I might have reached the moment where I’m just really in the moment and I’m just writing just to write. the thoughts are coming really fast I feel retarded and I’m still writing there’s nothing stopping me omg what is he doing he’s the fastest writer I’ve ever seens. god this is going off the rails. I think this might be getting counter productive at this point. I’m just imagining people commenting on what I’m actually writing and it doesn’t really serve a purpose.
I’m glad I wrote this. Emma Watson, give me your hair so I can make polyjuice potion for the next girl I meet.