dishes

Brain Dumpers, bring me some pizza,

I actually can’t eat pizza because I’m on a diet. But bring me some fucking relief, my step mom is getting on my case about not pouring water over dirty dishes. I’m pretty sure she’s lying when she says that I didn’t pour water over my dirty bean bowl. I always do it. She’s told me once before, and I’ve always done ever since. I swear to god. I think she’s lying. I feel like she has to lie or get on my case about something since things aren’t going well with my dad. I swear to god I wish I could just fix their relationship. I mean, it’s not that bad. Mostly good I say. But lately, he’s been getting really negative and not listening to what she wants. It’s the same thing that happened with my real mom. Except my mom didn’t take that shit. She was assertive and made sure she was heard. My stepmom, on the otherhand, really just wants to avoid conflict so she’s taking this shit from him. Sooner or later, their going to have a fight and he’ll get really nasty. Not good. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to be blamed for these dishes. I pour water over the dirty dishes every single freaking time. I think of her and what she would like me to do and I do it. I’ve never not listened to what she said. If things keep going this way, we’ll just have resentment without any grounds. The other day. She was really short with me when saying that I should do the dishes when she was out of town. She was telling me like I was going to argue. I have the opposite problem. I get really submissive really easily and I don’t speak up for myself as much as I should. I don’t understand why she was getting so mad. I think she’s starting to take things out on me and I hope to Buddha that it stops. I really just want to say, “Hey are you generally mad at me for some reason? because you’ve been treating me weirdly”. I guess it’s not a big deal, but it just sucks. I’m going to act like she wasn’t lying and take extra care that I pour water on the dishes. In fact, I’m going to take picture each time I do it so that she doesn’t come after me again. I’ll have proof that I do it every time. God, maybe that’s overkill. But I’m just really bummed out that she’s taking things out on me. I asked what the dish was that caused her to talk to me. She said she couldn’t remember! How can you not remember the dish that was giving you trouble if it gave you enough trouble to come talk to me? What the fuck? I can feel myself getting hostile and that’s not what I want. I’m just going to assume that I fucked up and be on my merry way.

I actually might be wrong. let’s just assume I fucked up and I’ll have to look out more

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Facebook Killing Time

Brain Dumpers,

Not doing well my dudes. Today started out with potential. I woke up later than usual because I went to sleep later than usual last night. But I woke up before 1PM which is when I play the drums. That didn’t happen because I told myself that I had already played enough this weekend. Then I went out to eat with my family instead of going to the gym. It wasn’t a special occasion or anything. Jesus. I started my scheduled study time late because I was reading a book. And then I didn’t study for long because I was getting tired. I think this whole day was ruined because I went to sleep late. I’m not making that mistake again today. I took 10mg of melatonin, a NyQuil, and a glass of wine. I’ll wake up on time tomorrow and I’ll be back to my normal schedule.

I’m having doubt about my ability to stay off social media. I stayed up really late because I was on Facebook looking at random shitake. I think I need to use the Self-Control app all the time. I think it’s going to be my nightly routine to just turn on the Self-Control app for 24 hours each night so that I can stay off of it until the next night when I need to make my regular daily post.

Third Eye Blind Forever

Hola Beautiful Brain Dumpers,

Twenty years ago today, Third Eye Blind released their debut album and the best mother fucking record of all time. Not joking. Look it up. This band came to me right after my parents got divorced. The ugly bankruptcy and custody battles and other proceedings left me and my siblings in a new city and a new school and a new family. Everything was strange but the poppy sound of this band became instantly familiar. Accessible like no other, they hooked me in like they hooked everyone in during the late nineties. I was also into the Backstreet Boys but thank god they sucked more than this band. Anyways. When other people stopped listening to them, I just kind of kept going. The lyrics were haunting and I just couldn’t get them out of my fucking head. Nor did I want to.  “I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been livin’ in.” Sweet sweet mind rape. . . They raped me all the way through high school and stuck with me while I considered suicide. After listening to Motorcycle Driveby and screaming, “I’ve never been so alone and I’ve, I’ve never been so alive” I felt wiped clean, reacquainted with the simple and only truth that I am alive. I liked it, being a clean slate with all possibilities in front of me . . . Thousands of replays later. I’m stilling blasting their songs on the freeway, finding even more meaning in their lyrics. They’ve taught me that there’s nothing wrong if I can’t find a point to life (Another Life by Third Eye Blind).  But anyways, Happy 20th Birthday, Third Eye Blind.