I’m really fucking sad and I don’t know why. I was fine 20 minutes ago before I got an invitation to an awards ceremony for certificate receivers. I received a certificate in search engine optimization last year and now they’re giving out awards. I got sad when I started thinking of people to invite. I realized that everyone I invite would not want to come, but that they would maybe just go because they felt obligated to. I used to not care about this kind of stuff before and now I do. I really wish I was back to the way I was before. Not the fat and lazy part. Just the not caring part.
It’s been a while since I wrote you guys and I hope that you’re doing well. If you’re even out there haha, no one reads this thing. Comment below if you read this! Anyways, I’ve been having troubling thoughts about my sister. She’s been getting on my nerves and criticizing me and telling me what to do for the past 4 months and I’m to the point where I say, in my mind, that I don’t love her. Of course I don’t want to think that. But what the fuck? That thought crosses my mind. I’m always happy when she’s not home and I hate spending time with her lately. I don’t know how to solve this. I think our relationship will get a lot better once she moves out. I think I need a good, long break from her. She should be moving out later this year if she can find a roommate. She also has to find a reasonably priced apartment and she also has to convince my dad to pay some of her rent. There’s a lot of work to be done and she’s not doing any of it and it’s driving me crazy. I just want her to leave. I also feel different around the people close to me. I feel like I have nothing to say to them. Mostly, I’m just a bad conversationalist. I suck at conversation. I don’t know how to do it. I’m most comfortable when I’m just playing a game with someone. I like playing board games and I like playing video games with people. It takes the pressure off and makes the rules of social interaction simple -just do what the game tells you to do. I just feel weird with every single person in my family lately it might just be a phase that I’m going through. I’m might emerge on the other side of it much better off and much more capable to relating to people. I just want to hurry up and get to the point where I have my own house and my own remote job so that I can have a place to retreat to when I’m feeling drained from interacting with people.
I should write a lot more. This shit really helps. I keep thinking about what my sister would say and I try to say the opposite. I don’t want to be like her and I keep thinking about what she would say and how she would say it. It’s frustrating to me that I can’t differentiate what I think she would say and my own thoughts. It’s really fucking frustrating. I just want to get her out of my head. It feels like I can’t relax because she’s in there. God dammit. I wish she would just move out already. I can’t stop talking like she would talk it’s been too long since I’ve used my own voice to think and talk and not hers. She’s taking over the fuck of my life. Jesus Christ. Nigger Cunt JEW CHINK HITLER TITS KKK BABY FUCKERS SKULL FUCK. Saying that shit helps me. it cleans me out. God I fucking hate her right now. Part of me kind of likes it. But that’s bad and I should stay away from my lesser self. My sister and I will be fine with each other when she comes around and when she moves out. Child molesting clown faggot! dick sauce! God it’s been way too long since I’ve written and I’ve forgotten how much I love it. Stay the fuck out of my mother fucking head mother fucking sister voice. jew nigger cunt faggot dick muncher tits fart turd twat hitler jesus nancy penis hole dick cunt deer
I guess I’m done trying to impress people. So that’s good. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing without worrying. I do need to read more though and I do need to keep up drum practice more consistently. I skipped today because I needed to study but that shouldn’t be an excuse. I should just use my study time more wisely so that I can play the drum everyday like I should be, I’ll take my practice pad with me when I go to my mom’s house on Thursday to study.