I’m coming to realize that I’m more like my sister in a lot of ways than I thought originally. Mainly, I’m like her because I blame people. I should say that she SOMETIMES blames people and that I’m beginning to blame people. Today, I blamed my aunt for my being paranoid about my dad selling my cat. And I really don’t like that I did that. I blamed her because she threatened (jokingly) that she was goin to throw my cat away if he sat on the bed again. I don’t like it when she does that and I know she doesn’t do it alo ti just think that she shoudl not do that any more when I wam done typing the is I hope to be clean of all my thoughts and oog no that thought is just coming out and i will try to just focus on what i am thinking about which is that i am blaming people and i think it all stated when i moved back here and when i started to live with my family and my dad down here. i really can’t blame this whole baliming thing on them too. i am that one who is responsible for  the way I cact and I should be the one who should temper myself when it comes to my behavior and I think that I should really focus on trying to make sure that I don’t blame pople especially those that have no intent of harming anybody else or who didn’t do anything . i should dish out as little blame as possible whenever possible even when i think that people deserve it. how would i feel if I was blamed for everything that I did wrong. Yes I guess I would deserve to be blamed but I would not want unneccessary or destructive criticism to come my way. I really think that I should say sorry to my aunt tomorrow and that I should be clear that I don’t blame her. But I think it’s too late and that I don’t get to say it anymore. I guess I do have to say it. though but what the fuck it would be too awkward. I’m becoming a person who doesn’t like awkward situations anymore. I used to put myself in awkward situations all the time if it meant that I would benefit or if someone would benefit from it. LLike saying sorry or for example, speaking up about something. I will make sure to control myself and make it so that I will enter awkward situations more if it means that I will benefit people. I know that it’s awkward but I can live through it. I just mean to say that I will not care anymore about what other people are doing. I really actually only started to care what people are doing when I took that job with dish one. I took that job such a long time a go and I’m still not over it. Something happened on that trip that I will never forget. I’ve already described it to you guys. II remember thinking about what other people were doing very intently and I found out that everyone was paying attention to what everyone else was doing very intently. it was like all our minds were focused on the group and what was happening. I guess this is normal. but not for me. I usually just pay attention to what is going on with me. I really think that I want to get back there and that I need to remind myself of the way I thought and did things back before I took the job with dish 1. everything was working for me up until then and I want to get back there. I was more capable and I was more in charhge of myself . I was more drivven and I was more willing to take risks. I really miss the old me, the college me. I want to get back into the same mindset that I was back then. I really think that I should start listening to the same speakers, authors, thoughtleaders, entrepreneurs, and influencers that I used to listen to. I will start with Tim Ferriss. I can swallow him and what he has to say. that is where my college life started. I started reading him and listening to him and that’s what got me inspired to go to college in the first place. I listened to him all through college and made sure that I was as much like him as I possibly could be. I’m on a mission, starting tonight to be more like Tim Ferriss again. I will get back to the same place that I was before I took the job at dish one, even considering my new mind. the mind that I now have because I heard voices, still do. I am still in control of myself and I will start feeding my mind with motivating ideas and voices and thoughts once again I will pursue all the things that made me successful through college and what helped me become really focused during that time.

thanks for the time,

un abrazo fuerte


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