It’s a constant battle with myself and I’m losing. I think I’ve given up trying to control my life because I experienced a huge loss of control and I realized that I don’t have complete control over my life. I made no sales that winter and I was supposed to have at least one. Just one sale would’ve tied me with me with the next loser above me. But no, I failed the hardest and I let everyone down, including my manager who believed in me and spent a lot of time coaching me. I told myself daily during that sales trip that I could do anything I put my mind to. I kept telling myself that, day after day in spite of my miserable performance. I positive-self-talked myself with a refrain, “you can do it, you will not stop unless stopped by the cops”. Then, the last day came and I felt completely destroyed. It proved to me that I could NOT do everything I put my mind to. That there were things I was just bad at. This did not sit with me well. Ever since, I’ve been battling with myself over everything, thinking that there was no point in doing anything since I could just be bad at it, or that I could not control the outcome. I didn’t want this new perspective, but it just stuck. Now, I have a tendency to make excuses for myself whenever I don’t follow through with good behavior. Some part of me thinks, “Life could fuck you up at any second, what the point of taking any control at all?”. I know intellectually that I should make an effort precisely because so much is random and out of my control. I need to try to mitigate the damage. But on a gut level, I’m still making excuses for myself.
I need to increase my own reputation with myself, or else I’ll get so depressed that I’ll commit suicide. Probably not. I love myself no matter what.