Reintroducing Myself to the World of Getting Shit Off My Mind

Salutations you sexy Salsbury steaks!

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps.

I’m sitting here wondering if can actually incorporate blogging back into my life. I know it’s good for me to work through my thoughts and I do that best when I write. I have little time during the day though.

Here’s my day most days:

  1. 7:00AM: Wake up. Wake up! Grab your clothes and put on a little makeup
  2. 8:30AM School and/or work till 1:30PM
  3. 1:30PM Eat on the way home (I’ve recently been trying to save time by eating in the car)
  4. 2:00PM Study
  5. 3:30PM Drum
  6. 4:00PM Study
  7. 5:30PM Drum
  8. 6:00PM Study
  9. 7:30PM Drum
  10. 8:00PM Study
  11. 9:30PM Get ready for bed
  12. 10:00PM Bed

I know what you’re thinking. Why the fuck would anybody watch Ace Ventura: Pet Detective when they could watch Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls? What you should be asking is why I can’t write a blog post instead of playing drums during one of those 30-minute blocks. Well, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I really really really want a zig-a-zig ahhh. . .

My goal in life is to make money via music. All other goals are in service of attaining a lifestyle in which I make money playing or teaching music. Even if I don’t make a lot of money, I still want to do it. So skipping drum practice is out of the question.

So, how can I incorporate blogging? I’m thinking that I should cut my study hours down by 90 minutes per day and play drums all at once for 90 minutes right when I get home at 2:00PM. Then, I’ll be able to blog during one of the 30-minute blocks that I’m currently reserving for drumming. I think I’ll be able to handle it. . . I do have to take study time seriously as I’m getting my master’s degree. . . I think I can do it.

Marcus

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Purpose and Shit

Brain Dumpers of Earth!

I’m sitting here about to study, just like I am many times when I write these posts. I can’t say exactly how I feel except calm. And that’s saying something after the night I had last night. Last night, I wrestled around with voices in my head for hours.  They weren’t saying much of anything, but I felt like I could feel people’s presence in my head, like they were watching me or listening to me. At one point in the night, I felt like two of my favorite bands were introducing themselves to me. I was supposed to say something in response that made them okay with meeting me. Keep in mind, I know this is fake the entire time, I know people don’t hear voices. If they did hear voices regularly, I would assume that we’d all be okay with it, but we’re not, so I must be imagining things. So, I hold that to be true. However, some part of me keeps thinking it’s real, that I can somehow communicate with people’s spirits in my head. This thought is completely bologne, though. Like I said, people would be talking about hearing voices all the time if everybody heard voices and if they could really communicate with spirits.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just wanted to talk about it because this episode was so troubling to me. Not that I was freaked out, I was just annoyed because I couldn’t go to sleep. My old therapist would say to cut back on the caffeine, since that’s what triggers voice hearing in people like me. I have to say, I do drink a lot of caffeine.

Randomly, I’m thinking about this crazy lady who thinks that the Monster energy drink company is trying to spread satanic messages. She thinks that the logo’s and other symbols on the Monster energy drinks have secrets satanic symbolism. She thinks that the “M”, which looks like three scratch marks, are actually the Hebrew symbols for 666. I don’t know why I watched the whole video. She fucking crazy. The crazier part is that, for a moment, I thought, “OMG she’s onto something”. That’s how crazy I am. I started seeing patterns in things about 2 years ago. I see these patterns where any sane person wouldn’t see patterns. The Monster energy drink can is the perfect example. Thank Buddha, I have a voice of reason in my head that tells me shit like that is stupid. I’ve learned to not trust the patterns. I only see patterns in quilts now.

I feel good that I got that out of my system. That shit is crazy and all I want to do is to get everything off my mind so that I can study. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know who the hell I’m asking but, fuck it. Please Magical ancestors of dead Harry Potter wizards, call the Flying Spaghetti Monster to let me concentrate.

Oh god I feel like making love. I feel like making love to you. Ooooo baby I love the way.

Okay seriously I just want to study. I have to finish my homework tonight and it’s going to take me 8 hours just to get it done. If I start in 10 minutes, I’ll have it done by 11pm. Jesus fucking Christ my homework is hard. I also need to fucking study for my exam on wednesday and I feel like I’m fucking so far behind. I barely know how to write functions. It took me three hours to write like 20 lines of code. Of course, I can’t be that mad because shorter code is better. So, I did a good job. It just doesn’t feel like much because the output is so short.

I don’t feel like this brain dump is going well I keep thinking I’m holding back and I think I am.

Okay, let’s think about what I’ve learned so far:

  1. don’t use data types in function calls
  2. don’t use the same variable identifier in function calls as in the function declaration or the header of the function definition

That’s about it. Okay I almost forgot to look over reasons why I’m actually studying. Let me do that really quickly BRB.

God, I just looked at them and I’m feeling like these things are never going to get accomplished. And none of them excite me really. I think that I’ve gotten so used to my current living situation that I can’t even see how much better my life would be if I had the things that I want. But no, I shall keep working toward those things because I know in I will appreciate them when I have them. I just don’t FEEL like I would. . . does that make sense?

Let’s take the tiny house. I really want a tiny house so that I can live cheaply and not have much to manage. I don’t want to clean a large space. And having a small space will restrict the amount of clutter that I can bring into my life. Messy house, messy mind. And I can’t have a mess when I don’t have enough stuff to make a mess with. I also just like the idea of being a rebel. I’d be sticking my finger up at the notion that I need more to be happy. I think that opposite, the less you have, the more you can focus on the things you want to DO and BE. Yes, sometimes (this is what Tim Ferriss said) you’ll need a few things to help you along to be and do those things, but those things are just a means to an end. Essentially I want a life without trophies. The only trophies I want are those that are not empty braggin rights. Diplomas and awars. But anyway, smaller house, smaller monthly bill, less management of stuff, rebel.

I also want a job that will allow me to work from anywhere. This is the biggest benefit that my Master’s degree will get me. I want to work from home or live in a foreign country and work from there. Right now, I’m just thinking that I maybe won’t get it. But that doesn’t matter I will get it. And I will keep working until I get it. It doesn’t matter that I have doubts. I’m not going to set my sights lower.

My ultimate goal is to be able to play drums for 4 hours per day and to read 2 hours per day. Yeah, this seems selfish, but I’ll find a way to help people later on. According to the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. It’s okay to have a self-centered purpose to start out with and then realign yourself to have an other-centered purpose. This book was endorsed by Malcolm Gladwell, so it’s not just a quacky book. So that’s my overall goal, to have a life in which I can play the drums and read. Everything I’m working for moves me toward that goal. Fuck it, I said I wasn’t going to set my sights lower. I’m going to shoot for the moon. I’m going to try to make it as a rock drummer and live completely of my drumming. That’s what I want to do. But I also want the discipline to keep playing drums for 4 hours per day. Maybe even 8. I’m fucking so lost. . . haha. . .  I don’t even know what my overall goal is.  I just want to do it the Tim Ferriss way. . . start an automated, location independent business that brings me the bare minimum income I need to play drums for 4 hours per day and travel anywhere my band needs me. Then I’ll move into making money just off my drumming. . . So, step one. . . Get a remote job that makes me enough money to live and start a business. Step two start an automated, location independent business that frees up my time. Step three get so good at the drums that I can make money off playing. I’m not going to postpone practicing my drums though. I need to practice every day starting now. It all starts with homework. I also want enough money to buy all the Magic: the Gathering cards that I want. That really motivates me for some reason.

Ramble on.

Marcus

REALLY Freaking Long Brain Dump With a List of Things My Degree Would Buy Me.

Freaking Brain Freakin Dumpers,

I’m writing this post almost out of desperation. Things are shit right now with my studies. I can’t really say why I stayed up really late night . . . oh wait, I fucking can. I stayed up late because I was watching videos on my fucking phone until 2AM. Jesus christ, I can evens stand penises. Jesus penises are stupid. I’m really getting off track here. I can’t believe that I’m typing so slowly. anyway, I stayed up really late and I just took a long nap today because of it. I feel stupid quite honestly. I’m a stupid person but I did act stupidly yesterday. I swear, I need to make an app that stops you from going on certain other apps for a designated period of time. I need to fucking make that app. I general, I’m a happy guy today. I’m too happy actually I’m not as worried about my grades as I should be I’m thinking “oh, everything will be fine. I’m not going to fail. I can drop the lowest test score. I’m just going to study more tomorrow.”Well I should be more fucking worried. Here’s why. If I don’t get an A on this exam, I lower my chances to get an A in the fucking class. If I get anything lower than an A in the class, I won’t get into my Master’s program. If I don’t get into my Master’s program It’ll be VERY difficult to get a remote job doing software engineering. If I don’t get a remote job doing software engineering, I won’t be able to work from anywhere and choose my own hours. If I’m not able work from anywhere and choose my own hours, I won’t be able to travel and drums whenever I want. Drumming is my ultimate purpose and I need freedom if I’m going to drum. This is stupid. I need to realize that every bit of effort counts towards my larger goal. I’m serious. I’m thinking that my saying I’m serious takes the punch out of actually being serious. Well, I don’t care. I’m going to say it “I’m serious” Seriously, want to punch myself in the throat for that last sentence. OMG I’m becoming a distracted tin man trying to get a heart in middle of an oil factory.

HOly shit. I’m freaking unbelievable. I don’t want to say stupid because that’s the wrong word. NEVER CALL YOURSELF STUPID. I’m distractible. Holy shit, I’m distractible. I just saved myself from posting on Facebook. I was a bout to post the line I just wrote about being a tin man looking for a heart in an oil factory.  Although I do want people to hear it. It isn’t a genious line and it won’t hurt me any to not say it. BUT FUUUUUUUCK it doesn’t matter, I’m not going to post it. Jesus, this post is going well actually I really like how much I’m thinking through things and just Brain Dumping all over the place, which is why I write these posts anyway. Jesus I don’t know why it’s been so long since I actually did a post like this in which I actually brain dump legit. Jesus I’m talking and writing like an idiot. I’m speaking in colloquials and I’m really going to fucking get annoyed if my inner voice starts talking like a bro or someone from the Jersey Shore I feel like an idiot god, I hope my seat isn’t taken. Haha I literally moved from my car back into Taco Bell to get at my seat. And now I fucking regret it. I also moved in here so that I could make sure I wouldn’t lose this post for not being on the Internet (GOD THAT WAS THE WORST SENTENCE). Okay seriously I need to study and this is actually kind of making it better. I was thinking that this is making it worse but this is actuallly making things better. I’m thinking about all the things that I need to think about and I’m clearing my mind and priming myself to use the computer. Writing is a beautiful thing. (jesus, this is going to be har to read. and my writing is really fucking sloppy, but this is brain dumps so anything goes, but you know that. so why am I saying it jesus, this is a long tangent) writing is crystallized thought I reflects the writer at his best thinking. the thoughts have been written, rewritten and honed to perfection, unless you’re doing a brain dump like I am but usually it’s thought out and carefully honed. I don’t know what else to write about and I really want to keep writing. I think I have trouble speaking about concepts. maybe. even having that thought make me uncomfortable and makes me want to deny it without any further exploration. I can’t do that anymore I need to reflect honestly about my abilities. but I should not question what I’ve established to be ture. Unless some other thing challenges it, then I should reevaluate (jesus, that’s a hard fucking word to spell. ) Alright, so, I’m about to study. I’m thinking that I know how to study but that I’m just not doing it because it takes self-discipline, something I need plenty more of. I want to say that I don’t have any and that I suck, but that’s not true by any reasonable person’s standards. I’m consistent and I carry through with things that I want to do, as evidenced by my steady drumming and the degrees I’ve going so far. I can’t let this assessment be a reason for letting myself off the hook I’ve said it so many times but I’m acting like I’m off the hook. I really can’t let myself be off the hook unless I want to stagnate. If I want to stay in the same place forever and never move out, and continue to live in my parents house, (god, the longer I stay here the more I see myself as a loser, and I’m not a loser) then I can let myself off the hook but if I want more than I need to keep myself disciplined.

Here are a list of things that I want that I need my degree for.

  1. My own tiny house
  2. remote job
    1. work from anywhere
    2. live anywhere
  3. making money to buy things
    1. new drum set
    2. guitar
    3. recording equipment
    4. Magic: the Gathering tier one decks
    5. drum clinic with Benny Greb
  4. know how to make apps and websites
  5. savings for the future and investment
  6. seed money for business
  7. Money to travel
  8. money to buy gifts for people
  9. perfect wardrobe
  10. recurring subscriptions for hassle-free refills of all the things that I need month to month
    1. headspace,
    2. spotify
    3. fuego box
    4. reorders of refried beans
    5. vape juice and coils
  11. money to go out to really good restaurants
  12. the perfect kitchen with perfect appliances and kitchenware
  13. New computer
  14. gigantic tour bus like for bands.

And that’s about it, I’m sure I can think of a bunch of other things but those are the big things. I think I should make a list of all the things that I really want and put them on my phone somewhere so that I can look at it whenever I need motivation. I think I’ll do that right now, even before I finish this post.

Alright, I’m done

Jesus, I’ve been writing this post now for two hours and I don’t think i’m that close to finishing. I think it’s been too long since I last did an actual Brain Dump. I feel like I have so much more to think about. I think I should keep writing until I have nothing left to say or nothing else to write about. So, I just made the list of all the things that I need my degree for and I think it’s going to help me to stay motivated to study. Right now, I feel like I’m wasting time just writing and not actually studying. Tim Ferriss would say that writing is a “crutch activity” -it makes me feel like I’m being productive when I’m actually not accomplishing anything. I really feel like that rightr now. I don’t know why I keep writing then. i just feel like I need to get things off of my mind right now and to keep thinking until I have nothing more to think about. wow I said that already. I think I write differently when I’m in different places. I was just at Taco Bell and I was cussing up a fucking storm and now I’m home and I’m not cussing that much anymore. For some reason I keep thinking about how my sister would say “I’m cussing up a fucking storm” I’m also thinking about how deep my sister has gotten into feminism. Not to say that feminism is bad, I just think she is becoming more and more self-righteous about all of her causes. It doesn’t seems like she’s coming out of a place of caring. It seems like it comes out of the desire to berate other people. Now, I can’t this for sure. . . but this is the feeling I get. I really don’t want to think about what I’m thinking about right now So I won’t write about it. I will just move on. I really think that Emma Watson is a really good example of being a feminist. she’s capable, informed, brave, and caring. I think all women should take her example. And I wish all women looked like her. I would like the whole world to be clones of Emma Watson. And I want two of them. I’m thinking about what my sister would have to say if I told her that I wanted two Emma Watsons. I’m constantly interrupted by imaginary conversations with my sister. it’s really annoying, . . haha and it’s all her fault! JK. I think about imaginary conversations with random people all the time. but most of the time when I’m imagining a conversation it’s with my sister and we’re arguing. She’s really annoying me lately with her constant nagging about everything I do. I really just want to tell her to shut up. But she’s so freaking emotionally heightened that it’s just way too much to deal with her. She would blow the fuck up and and we’d be screaming at each other. The worst part of it is, she’s completely okay with going to bed mad at each other. the key to any good relationship is to clear the air as soon as possible and for each party to have faith that the realtionship can improve. I feel like I really hit my stride when I talk about relationships and shit, even though I’m no good at them. does that make me a hippocrit? I don’t know. It kind of sounds like it does. and now I’m just rambing. I can’t believe that I’ve been writing for so long. It feels good to hear my own voice and to stop the constant nagging influx of media.

I just took a piss. I think I might have a need to post every single thing that comes to my mind, whether it’s important or not. Maybe I feel the need to be heard. Maybe I’m just analyzing my shit way too much and not getting any work done. But I still feel like I need to say more. the thoughts just keep coming and it’s been a while since I’ve just sat down and really thought about anything. okay I will just keep writing, I will stop no later than 7pm, it’s 6:15 right now. Have I forgotten all that I learned from On Writing Well? I don’t know I know that I’m not really trying to write anything good right now. I’m just brain dumping and it feels good. wow i really like this. i just keep writing and keep thinking and I’m not afraid that it doesn’t make sense or that it rambles I just keep writing and wow, the thought are coming really smoothly now for me. It’s been a while since I’ve had a certain nagging thought from coming into my mind. It used to overwhelm my thoughts, but now it’s going away. anyway I don’t want to think about it but now I am. I’m thinking about what my sister would say if she heard me think these things. . . . .But she CAN. SHE CAN READ MINDS!!! buahahaha. jk omg I’m really just wasting time right now. but this is so fun right now. I’m thinking of Emma Watson right now and I imagine her smiling at me while I write. I think she likes that I like to write so much. haha. Okay, I’m in weird territory where I’m thinking about thinking and I don’t really like it to much. my inner voice just switch to Emma Watson voice and I like it. In fact its the best thing that’s ever happened to my darling. Jk. I really am not being honest about what I’m thinking, even though I try really hard. I’m constantly editing myself. so that I sound coherent. I kind of want to do an experiment where I just write whatever the hell comes into my mind (like I haven’t been doing that already.) wow I’m just got interrupted by the thought of my step mom making dinner. and I’m just commenting on everything that I hear or smell or see. I think I might have reached the moment where I’m just really in the moment and I’m just writing just to write. the thoughts are coming really fast I feel retarded and I’m still writing there’s nothing stopping me omg what is he doing he’s the fastest writer I’ve ever seens. god this is going off the rails. I think this might be getting counter productive at this point. I’m just imagining people commenting on what I’m actually writing and it doesn’t really serve a purpose.

I’m glad I wrote this. Emma Watson, give me your hair so I can make polyjuice potion for the next girl I meet.

Marcus

About to Study

Brain Dumpers, near and far,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps.

I’m sitting in Taco Bell, about to study for my exam in 5 days.  I’m writing the post so I can get off my mind all the things I’m thinking about.

I’m thinking about skipping drumming so I can study more. Skipping would buy me 2 more hours of studying. I don’t want to do this, though, because my overall mission in life is to get really good at the drums. I’m never going to stop playing. My identity is too wrapped up in it and I’ve benefitted so much from it, emotionally.

I wish that I could be like the cool kids. All the cool kids, they seems to get it.

Marcus

Studying

Hello Brain Dumpers of Earth,

I’m sitting contemplating whether or not I should keep studying. My test is ne t Wednesday and I keep thinking that I’ll have no problem with it. I keep thinking, “Oh, I have plenty of time to study I’ll just study later . . . ” But I don’t trust that I’ll know enough if I don’t study now. I’m noticing a tendency to push things off into the future. I don’t like it. It’s not good for me to act this way, and I don’t want to act this way. A part me thinks that o won’t even take this realization seriously, that it’s okay to just observe my bad tendencies, describe them, and do nothing to fix them. I don’t want to live this way. I can change and I know it. I’ll start by tracking the amount of study time that I put in each day. I’ll use coach.me.

Marcus

Facebook Distraction

Hola Brain Dumpers, como esta Usted?

I’m writing this post because I have to. I really feel like I’m failing at studying and keeping myself disciplined. Today, I spent most of my study time on Facebook. I should’ve been reading and taking notes. The day ended unaccomplished. The only thing I really did right was to play the drums, which is good because that’s the most important thing I do. I really need to fucking study, though. Some part of me wonders if I have some sort of internet addiction. I don’t think I’ve ever thought that before since I’ve never really been negatively affected by the Internet to the extent that I was today. I found a good tool in the Self-Control app for Mac. It blocks distracting sites from 15 minutes to 24 hours. I really like this tool. I really think that I should delete Facebook from my phone again and see what that does. But I just added it back onto my phone and I was hankering so badly so Facebook that when I did eventually get on the computer, I would be on Facebook for too long. Yeah, I think I’ll just keep it on my phone. Okay, so I didn’t reach my goal today, but I’m going to finish reading chapter 5 in my book tomorrow. and then I’m going to finish taking notes on chapter five on Sunday. No exceptions. I really need to do this. I get out of my drum lesson at 12 pm tomorrow and I can start studying at 1 pm. This gives my 3 hours to finish reading before my family game night at 5 pm. I can do this and I will do this.

I really think this book that I’m reading might be fucking my mind up. I got used to thinking that I was above average in my discipline and above average in my organization. But this book is telling me that I should see that I’m nothing special. The author tells us to think this way so we don’t act entitled. But I like to think that I’m disciplined and organized. To view myself this way makes me want to defend my own identity and I become even more disciplined and organized. Maybe I’ll just see what he has to say and be wary about adopting any of his advice. I do like what he has to say about inspiratio, though.

I’m getting in the bad habit of writing these post and coming to realizations about how I need to change, but then not changing. I need to take these realizations seriously. I am not my father.

Marcus

Shitty Job on my Exam

Howdy doody, Brain Dumpers,

I did poorly on my programming test today. I find out for sure next week. I definitely used the wrong counter control variable in the while loop. Fuck. If I miss more than 10 points, I’ll have a B in the class, not good! I need an A or else I won’t get into my master’s program. Shit fuck balls.

In other news, I talked with my sister about building her a Magic: the Gathering deck. I know she really doesn’t want one but I want to make one for her that will make her celebrate like a little girl. WEEEEEEEE! But that’s never going to happen. I think I might just make myself another deck and have her play with that one if she ever wants to play.

In other OTHER news, I’m not going to work out today because I don’t have time. That’s a valid excuse, I need to spend time 4 hours studying tonight and I don’t have time for anything else. If you tuned in yesterday, you know I made the point that working out would help me do better in school. So, tomorrow, I will work out just like normal.

Marcus

Stayed Up Too Late

Greetings, Brain Dumpers,

Today is sucking ass. If today had a mouth, then it would be full of poo because it sucks so much ass. And it’s all because I stayed up late browsing the Internet for places to Magic: the Gathering, which are the saddest places to get dates.  I didn’t find any places at all.

My trusty alarms harangued me at 9 this morning with their normal petulance. I turned all three of them off and set my phone to wake me up at 10. I woke up again at 10 and set my phone to wake me up at noon. Wake me up when September ends.

At 12:30PM, I woke up and felt shitty. I ate eggs, then a burrito and iced coffee and Diet Mountain Dew. I watch New Girl on Netflix. Then a blur until 3pm. Then some more iced coffee and then a blur till now.

I should’ve studied.

I can’t stay up late anymore.

Marcus

Nicotine and Caffeine

Hello Brain Dumpers,

I’m getting really distracted when studying. I find myself on Facebook and Instagram and random sites on the Internet. Today, I spent two hours of study time researching ways to prevent gum recession.  I did come to some valuable insights, but I could’ve come to those same insights on a day when I didn’t need to study. From now on, I plan to save all my Internet bingeing for Friday nights and Saturdays, days when I skip studying already.

Speaking of cramping my study time, I feel distracted because I haven’t had nicotine for the past 24 hours. I keep thinking about having nicotine. I stopped on purpose, I’m doing it because nicotine causes your gums to recede and I’m having a major problem with that.  I also feel distracted because I just switched from tea and energy drinks to 5-Hour Energy. Okay, fine -I’ve only just switched in the past two hours. But I’m committed to switching permanently because tea and energy drinks are very acidic, which is bad for my gums. We’ll see how long I last, I hope it’s a long time.

Overall, I think because of these recent changes in my intake of stimulants, I feel wispier, less anxious, and distracted. I still want a cigarette, but not that badly.

Marcus

Quit My Job, Bob

Hello you majestic magistrates,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps.

Today was the day I quit my freakin’ job. Finally, I’m free. I actually really liked that job though. It was way too easy for the amount of money I made. I watched tv all day and took breaks whenever I wanted. I made about 2500 per month, barely working. The people were cool and I met a lot of friends there. But fuck, it was the best version of a shitty thing . . . Thank Sheeva and Jesus and Buddha that I’m going back to school on Tuesday.  I can’t wait.

Marcus