I Feel Like I Accomplished Nothing Today

Brain Dumpers,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps. I’m your host, Marcus. My last name shall forever be a secret.

I’m coming to you today in a state of unrest.  I feel uneasy because I feel like I didn’t really accomplish anything today -like today didn’t even matter. From an outside perspective, I accomplished several things:

  1. Got my blood drawn for lab tests. Kind of an accomplishment
  2. Played 90 minutes of drums
  3. Finished some extra credit for my programming class
  4. Read The 4-Hour Workweek

That’s a pretty good day I guess. But I’m upset because I didn’t do more. I should have practiced drums for 2 full hours. I should have studied for my test after finishing the extra credit. I should have gone to the gym. But I’m also having another thought: would it have really mattered if I had done all the things I was supposed to do? I guess I need to find purpose. I say that my purpose is to eventually help people. But I don’t know what that means. I also have a new thought that I need to express myself and make music or art. . . . I don’t know. I think I’m on the right path to finding purpose. My ultimate goal is to share music with people that they will enjoy. Something that gives them catharsis -like Dashboard Confessional. I’ll need to rethink the way I’m approaching music and really think about how I’m going to spend my time if I want to make the music that I want to make. I can feel myself getting excited by the thought.

But I want to do something interesting too. Funk screamo?

Idk

Marcus

Facebook Killing Time

Brain Dumpers,

Not doing well my dudes. Today started out with potential. I woke up later than usual because I went to sleep later than usual last night. But I woke up before 1PM which is when I play the drums. That didn’t happen because I told myself that I had already played enough this weekend. Then I went out to eat with my family instead of going to the gym. It wasn’t a special occasion or anything. Jesus. I started my scheduled study time late because I was reading a book. And then I didn’t study for long because I was getting tired. I think this whole day was ruined because I went to sleep late. I’m not making that mistake again today. I took 10mg of melatonin, a NyQuil, and a glass of wine. I’ll wake up on time tomorrow and I’ll be back to my normal schedule.

I’m having doubt about my ability to stay off social media. I stayed up really late because I was on Facebook looking at random shitake. I think I need to use the Self-Control app all the time. I think it’s going to be my nightly routine to just turn on the Self-Control app for 24 hours each night so that I can stay off of it until the next night when I need to make my regular daily post.

Howdy doody, Brain Dumpers,

I’m going to break down the success I’m having with my habits. I really haven’t been reading that much and it’s bad. I’ve probably read only like 50 pages in the past week. . . I’m supposed to read 30 minutes a day which means about 15 pages per day which means  download.jpeg

105 pages per week.  I’m less than half for the week. I want to say that I’ve had no time because I’ve been studying but that’s not true. I have time. I just waste time instead just looking at random videos. So, that’s bad. . .

I also have not been writing blog posts consistently and that’s been going on for like 2 months now. I really need to blog because it’s my chance to reflect on my progress with my life and my habits. So, I need to do that. The Internet pretty much gets in the way. I mean I LET it get in the way. I have to stop. I downloaded an app that will stop me from using certain sites for a designated period of time. It works wonders when I use it, I just dread using it so much I can’t get myself to turn it on. I guess that’s something I need to get used to. Even if I DO turn the app on, I always have my phone to distract me. . . Maybe I should just get a flip phone? But probably not, because then I can’t upload pictures of food. Something I have a good track record of doing for the past 2 years. I really can’t stop. . . it’s too much of my online presence to give up. . . Plus I want to be held accountable for the things that I eat. That was the whole of starting it. I should really be aware of the image that I’m putting out. I should only try to eat healthy food. Really. Except for 24 hours on the weekend. But yeah. . . Not doing all that well with my habits. I should really be drinking less caffeine too. But that doesn’t bother me that much

If I were to list the things that weren’t going right they would be

  • not studying consistently
  • not drumming at a consistent time
  • spending too much time surfing the internet, which is a big one
  • staying up too late
  • not reading enough
  • not going to the gym consistently

I have these reflective moments but it’s hard to do something about it. I guess it’s not actually if I were to think of way to work on these things they would be

  • not studying consistently: schedule out a time and place to study. give myself 1 dollar for every 45 minutes of studying
  • not drumming at a consistent time: schedule out a time and a place to drum. make sure that I stick to my study schedule so that I don’t need to study in place of my drumming time
  • for spending too much time on the internet: turn on the self- control app and turn on the Offtime app after I get out of the gym at night
  • staying up too late: this is solved when I stop spending time on the Internet
  • Not reading enough. This is solved when I stop spending time on the internet when I need to read
  • Not going to the gym consistently: schedule a time and place to go to the gym. make sure I stick to my study schedule so that I don’t need to study during my gym time.

So that’s what I need to do. . . it’s good talking about this stuff because it helps me think about what I need to do.

I just turned on the Self-Control all for 23 hours and 45 minutes. WordPress isn’t blocked so I can still make posts.

I’ll turn on the Offtime app too.

Marcus

Purpose and Shit

Brain Dumpers of Earth!

I’m sitting here about to study, just like I am many times when I write these posts. I can’t say exactly how I feel except calm. And that’s saying something after the night I had last night. Last night, I wrestled around with voices in my head for hours.  They weren’t saying much of anything, but I felt like I could feel people’s presence in my head, like they were watching me or listening to me. At one point in the night, I felt like two of my favorite bands were introducing themselves to me. I was supposed to say something in response that made them okay with meeting me. Keep in mind, I know this is fake the entire time, I know people don’t hear voices. If they did hear voices regularly, I would assume that we’d all be okay with it, but we’re not, so I must be imagining things. So, I hold that to be true. However, some part of me keeps thinking it’s real, that I can somehow communicate with people’s spirits in my head. This thought is completely bologne, though. Like I said, people would be talking about hearing voices all the time if everybody heard voices and if they could really communicate with spirits.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just wanted to talk about it because this episode was so troubling to me. Not that I was freaked out, I was just annoyed because I couldn’t go to sleep. My old therapist would say to cut back on the caffeine, since that’s what triggers voice hearing in people like me. I have to say, I do drink a lot of caffeine.

Randomly, I’m thinking about this crazy lady who thinks that the Monster energy drink company is trying to spread satanic messages. She thinks that the logo’s and other symbols on the Monster energy drinks have secrets satanic symbolism. She thinks that the “M”, which looks like three scratch marks, are actually the Hebrew symbols for 666. I don’t know why I watched the whole video. She fucking crazy. The crazier part is that, for a moment, I thought, “OMG she’s onto something”. That’s how crazy I am. I started seeing patterns in things about 2 years ago. I see these patterns where any sane person wouldn’t see patterns. The Monster energy drink can is the perfect example. Thank Buddha, I have a voice of reason in my head that tells me shit like that is stupid. I’ve learned to not trust the patterns. I only see patterns in quilts now.

I feel good that I got that out of my system. That shit is crazy and all I want to do is to get everything off my mind so that I can study. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know who the hell I’m asking but, fuck it. Please Magical ancestors of dead Harry Potter wizards, call the Flying Spaghetti Monster to let me concentrate.

Oh god I feel like making love. I feel like making love to you. Ooooo baby I love the way.

Okay seriously I just want to study. I have to finish my homework tonight and it’s going to take me 8 hours just to get it done. If I start in 10 minutes, I’ll have it done by 11pm. Jesus fucking Christ my homework is hard. I also need to fucking study for my exam on wednesday and I feel like I’m fucking so far behind. I barely know how to write functions. It took me three hours to write like 20 lines of code. Of course, I can’t be that mad because shorter code is better. So, I did a good job. It just doesn’t feel like much because the output is so short.

I don’t feel like this brain dump is going well I keep thinking I’m holding back and I think I am.

Okay, let’s think about what I’ve learned so far:

  1. don’t use data types in function calls
  2. don’t use the same variable identifier in function calls as in the function declaration or the header of the function definition

That’s about it. Okay I almost forgot to look over reasons why I’m actually studying. Let me do that really quickly BRB.

God, I just looked at them and I’m feeling like these things are never going to get accomplished. And none of them excite me really. I think that I’ve gotten so used to my current living situation that I can’t even see how much better my life would be if I had the things that I want. But no, I shall keep working toward those things because I know in I will appreciate them when I have them. I just don’t FEEL like I would. . . does that make sense?

Let’s take the tiny house. I really want a tiny house so that I can live cheaply and not have much to manage. I don’t want to clean a large space. And having a small space will restrict the amount of clutter that I can bring into my life. Messy house, messy mind. And I can’t have a mess when I don’t have enough stuff to make a mess with. I also just like the idea of being a rebel. I’d be sticking my finger up at the notion that I need more to be happy. I think that opposite, the less you have, the more you can focus on the things you want to DO and BE. Yes, sometimes (this is what Tim Ferriss said) you’ll need a few things to help you along to be and do those things, but those things are just a means to an end. Essentially I want a life without trophies. The only trophies I want are those that are not empty braggin rights. Diplomas and awars. But anyway, smaller house, smaller monthly bill, less management of stuff, rebel.

I also want a job that will allow me to work from anywhere. This is the biggest benefit that my Master’s degree will get me. I want to work from home or live in a foreign country and work from there. Right now, I’m just thinking that I maybe won’t get it. But that doesn’t matter I will get it. And I will keep working until I get it. It doesn’t matter that I have doubts. I’m not going to set my sights lower.

My ultimate goal is to be able to play drums for 4 hours per day and to read 2 hours per day. Yeah, this seems selfish, but I’ll find a way to help people later on. According to the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. It’s okay to have a self-centered purpose to start out with and then realign yourself to have an other-centered purpose. This book was endorsed by Malcolm Gladwell, so it’s not just a quacky book. So that’s my overall goal, to have a life in which I can play the drums and read. Everything I’m working for moves me toward that goal. Fuck it, I said I wasn’t going to set my sights lower. I’m going to shoot for the moon. I’m going to try to make it as a rock drummer and live completely of my drumming. That’s what I want to do. But I also want the discipline to keep playing drums for 4 hours per day. Maybe even 8. I’m fucking so lost. . . haha. . .  I don’t even know what my overall goal is.  I just want to do it the Tim Ferriss way. . . start an automated, location independent business that brings me the bare minimum income I need to play drums for 4 hours per day and travel anywhere my band needs me. Then I’ll move into making money just off my drumming. . . So, step one. . . Get a remote job that makes me enough money to live and start a business. Step two start an automated, location independent business that frees up my time. Step three get so good at the drums that I can make money off playing. I’m not going to postpone practicing my drums though. I need to practice every day starting now. It all starts with homework. I also want enough money to buy all the Magic: the Gathering cards that I want. That really motivates me for some reason.

Ramble on.

Marcus

Studying

Hello Brain Dumpers of Earth,

I’m sitting contemplating whether or not I should keep studying. My test is ne t Wednesday and I keep thinking that I’ll have no problem with it. I keep thinking, “Oh, I have plenty of time to study I’ll just study later . . . ” But I don’t trust that I’ll know enough if I don’t study now. I’m noticing a tendency to push things off into the future. I don’t like it. It’s not good for me to act this way, and I don’t want to act this way. A part me thinks that o won’t even take this realization seriously, that it’s okay to just observe my bad tendencies, describe them, and do nothing to fix them. I don’t want to live this way. I can change and I know it. I’ll start by tracking the amount of study time that I put in each day. I’ll use coach.me.

Marcus

Facebook Distraction

Hola Brain Dumpers, como esta Usted?

I’m writing this post because I have to. I really feel like I’m failing at studying and keeping myself disciplined. Today, I spent most of my study time on Facebook. I should’ve been reading and taking notes. The day ended unaccomplished. The only thing I really did right was to play the drums, which is good because that’s the most important thing I do. I really need to fucking study, though. Some part of me wonders if I have some sort of internet addiction. I don’t think I’ve ever thought that before since I’ve never really been negatively affected by the Internet to the extent that I was today. I found a good tool in the Self-Control app for Mac. It blocks distracting sites from 15 minutes to 24 hours. I really like this tool. I really think that I should delete Facebook from my phone again and see what that does. But I just added it back onto my phone and I was hankering so badly so Facebook that when I did eventually get on the computer, I would be on Facebook for too long. Yeah, I think I’ll just keep it on my phone. Okay, so I didn’t reach my goal today, but I’m going to finish reading chapter 5 in my book tomorrow. and then I’m going to finish taking notes on chapter five on Sunday. No exceptions. I really need to do this. I get out of my drum lesson at 12 pm tomorrow and I can start studying at 1 pm. This gives my 3 hours to finish reading before my family game night at 5 pm. I can do this and I will do this.

I really think this book that I’m reading might be fucking my mind up. I got used to thinking that I was above average in my discipline and above average in my organization. But this book is telling me that I should see that I’m nothing special. The author tells us to think this way so we don’t act entitled. But I like to think that I’m disciplined and organized. To view myself this way makes me want to defend my own identity and I become even more disciplined and organized. Maybe I’ll just see what he has to say and be wary about adopting any of his advice. I do like what he has to say about inspiratio, though.

I’m getting in the bad habit of writing these post and coming to realizations about how I need to change, but then not changing. I need to take these realizations seriously. I am not my father.

Marcus

Awkwardness

What’s up, Brain Dumpers,

Dude, I don’t feel like writing. I feel like reading. I want to read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I’m halfway through it and it’s just amazing. The basic premise of the book is that we give way too many fucks, when only a few things are fuckworthy.  I realize that I give way too many fucks about being awkward. Sometimes, I’ll even avoid some certain situations or places because I’m afraid of being awkward. This gets in the way of my life because and inconveniences me in many ways. For example, I really want to go to the Starbucks next to my house. It literally takes 60 seconds to get there. I won’t go in there, however, because I used to work there and I’d feel weird seeing my old coworkers.  I feel like this about going to anyplace in my hometown because I used to be very boisterous and noticeable. Now, I’m just shy and awkward and I don’t know what to say and I haven’t done much in my life compared to other people. I give too many fucks.

The book tells me that I should not give a fuck, to work through the pain and awkwardness. I can tell you that that scares the pee pee out of me. . . But I know I’ll live.

Marcus

Fucking Schedule

Welcome back, Brain Dumpers,

I can’t figure out why I’m so anxious. I feel like the day was shit through and through. All the way shit. I started feeling this way when I delayed my drum practice by 30 minutes so I could read and eat. Then, the whole night was pushed back when I ate a second time.  The dinner extended past my usual gym time and I dithered on going to the gym or studying. I knew I had to do one or the other. I got stressed out trying to decide and I finally got in the car and headed to the gym. Then, I sat in the parking lot making a blog post about this very night. Then, I scheduled my week out and I felt better. I think my new therapist would say that I’m getting anxious and looking for control. Damn fucking right. I didn’t schedule out my night and then I got anxious when deciding what to do. I could’ve saved myself from it by deciding ahead of time what I needed to do.

Now, it’s almost time for bed and I feel better I really fucking do.

Marcus

 

Shitty Job on my Exam

Howdy doody, Brain Dumpers,

I did poorly on my programming test today. I find out for sure next week. I definitely used the wrong counter control variable in the while loop. Fuck. If I miss more than 10 points, I’ll have a B in the class, not good! I need an A or else I won’t get into my master’s program. Shit fuck balls.

In other news, I talked with my sister about building her a Magic: the Gathering deck. I know she really doesn’t want one but I want to make one for her that will make her celebrate like a little girl. WEEEEEEEE! But that’s never going to happen. I think I might just make myself another deck and have her play with that one if she ever wants to play.

In other OTHER news, I’m not going to work out today because I don’t have time. That’s a valid excuse, I need to spend time 4 hours studying tonight and I don’t have time for anything else. If you tuned in yesterday, you know I made the point that working out would help me do better in school. So, tomorrow, I will work out just like normal.

Marcus

Self-Discipline

Welcome Brain Dumpers, to HEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!

Just kidding.

I woke up on time today, but the rest of the day has been a complete failure. After playing guitar for an hour in the morning. I decided that I would have a snooze. I tried sleeping for 2 hours, at peace with myself for my productive music session. Sleep didn’t really come because of my noisy sister.

My alarm went off at 12:45PM, telling me that I needed to get ready to play the drums. I planned on playing, but then I tried to go back to sleep again, saying to myself, “I don’t have THAT much to do today. I can just play drums later.” Again, sleep didn’t come because of my noisy sister. Really fucking noisy.

I got off the couch at 1:30 and promptly got an energy drink. Planning to practice right away. I just procrastinated, even more, vacillating between the thought of drumming and the thought of studying for my exam.

I finally sat down in front of the computer at 2:10, but I went on Facebook. Then, I turned on Self-Control and decided that I should learn about self-discipline.

I basically learned that I need to meditate, exercise, and sleep well. This is the fucking advice for EVERYTHING! WTF?

About meditating. . .

I tried it a few times during college and then again with my various therapists afterward. I didn’t hate it and I didn’t like it either. All it did was rejuvenate me, and I didn’t like the process. Tim Ferriss, blogger, author, investor, podcaster and amy idol, meditates every day and so do the top-performers he interviews.  I’m having doubt that I can realistically make this a part of my daily routine. I know that I can do it if . . .

BRB, I need to feed the cat and scoop his litter. . .

Okay.

I need to find some specific time during the day I can meditate. In the mornings would be good. . . I can meditate for 10 minutes from 9:40 to 9:50. Perfect. I just set alarms before I wr0te that last thing.

About exercise . . .

I’ve been lifting, then walking 4 miles per day, 5 days per week. I was 5 miles initially but I change it to 4 miles so I would have time to write blog posts. I want to change it to 6 days per week, Sunday through Friday. I know I can definitely do this no problem. I just have to make sure that I don’t make excuses. Today, I didn’t go because I wanted to study instead. But, according to information I got online, exercise helps your brain and it helps you become more disciplined. So, I’m just hurting myself if I don’t exercise.

About sleeping well . . .

I’ve been having trouble getting to sleep for the past 2 weeks. At 10:30, an alarm goes off that reminds me to get ready for bed. I’m usually on Facebook at this time and I’m usually making a post about the good things that happened during the day. . . or I’m just wasting time. I brushing my teeth is more like pulling teeth. I take 2 minutes and I hate it. I delay it as much as possible. This makes me late getting to bed sometimes. This is when I really need self-discipline. If I get to bed late, I won’t get good sleep, and that sucks away your willpower. Vicious cycle . . . I guess I can make my teeth-brushing less painful by watching a video while I brush. Yeah that’s what I’ll do. Aside from this, I need to stop my caffeine intake at about 3:30 everyday.

Ciao