S.M.A.R.T. New Year’s Resolutions

Hola Brain Dumpers,

Welcome to another edition of Marcus Brain Dumps.

Today I’m going to talk about my New Year’s resolutions. I have 3 resolutions and I think that I can achieve them if I put in a little effort. Of course, there is the chance that I don’t achieve them. . . and that would suck. Considering the possibility of failure, I will create S.M.A.R.T. goals that will make success far more likely.  So, first let me explain what an S.M.A.R.T goal is. I hope this explanation of S.M.A.R.T. goals and it’s application to my own life will illustrate their usefulness and implementation.

This explanation is taken from Mindtools.com, and the original concept is attributed to George T. Doran.

S is for Specific

Your goal should be clear and specific, otherwise, you won’t be able to focus your efforts or feel truly motivated to achieve it.

M is for Measurable

It’s important to have measurable goals so that you can track your progress and stay motivated. Assessing progress helps you to stay focused, meet your deadlines, and feel the excitement of getting closer to achieving your goal.


A is for Achievable

Your goal also needs to be realistic and attainable to be successful. In other words, it should stretch your abilities but still remain possible. When you set an achievable goal, you may be able to identify previously overlooked opportunities or resources that can bring you closer to it.

R is for Relevant

This step is about ensuring that your goal matters to you and that it also aligns with other relevant goals. We all need support and assistance in achieving our goals, but it’s important to retain control over them. So, make sure that your plans drive everyone forward, but that you’re still responsible for achieving your own goal.


T is for Time-bound

Every goal needs a target date so that you have a deadline to focus on and something to work toward. This part of the SMART goal criteria helps to prevent everyday tasks from taking priority over your longer-term goals.

Marcus’ S.M.A.R.T. goals for 2018

This year, I’m focusing on 3 outcomes:

  1. Become a better drummer
  2. Lose weight
  3. Continue to excel in school

Let’s focus on drumming to see how to make our goals S.M.A.R.T.

Become a better drummer

  • Specific
    • “Become a better drummer” is an ambiguous statement and can be considered to be achieved with enough mental contortions and self-delusion. I’ll ask a question that will force a more specific outcome: What criteria if met, would mean that I had become a better drummer?
    • Meeting these criteria should obviously mean that I would have accomplished something that is beyond my current skillset. In my case, that would mean to play all the international drum rudiments. So we’ll adjust our statement to “Play all 40 international drum rudiments.”
  • Measurable
    • Now, we’ll need some method to measure our progress. Tracking progress means tracking incremental gains towards our overall goal. So what incremental outcomes can I track that would mean I’m making surefire progress towards playing all 40 international drum rudiments?
    • With drumming, you can play something fast and slow, with accents and without accents. You can play it on one specific drum, or you can play it across multiple drums. You can also play them for a long time or a short time. So we have to decide how fast we are going to play the rudiments, and with what accents, on which drums, and for how long. These decisions are somewhat arbitrary but they should still challenge us as we make progress. If we decide in the Achievable section that these decisions need to be adjusted, then so be it.
    • For now, we can adjust our statement to the following: “Play all 40 international drum rudiments and play each rudiment at 120 beats per minute (bpm) with the fastest notes as 16th notes, without accents, limited to the snare drum, and for 5 minutes.”
  • Achievable
    • The Achievable section is our checkpoint in the process of making S.M.A.R.T. goals, with every adjustment to our goals statement, we have to ask, “Is this achievable?” So let’s see if our current version is achievable.
    • First, we’ll make sure that our goal doesn’t our goal doesn’t break the laws of man or of physics. . . we’re good there.
    • Next, when checking to see the achievability of a goal, you have to be honest about your current skills and how far you’d have to stretch your skills to achieve your goals.
    • I can definitely play the 10 double stroke roll-based rudiments at 120 bpm with the fastest hits as 16th notes, without accents, and limited to the snare, and for 5 minutes but I can’t definitely say that I can play the other 30 rudiments with the same constraints.
    • One trouble spot is single strokes, which I can barely play at 90 bpm with each stroke as a 16th note. However,  since I’m almost there, I know that I can stretch my abilities until I can completely master single strokes at 90 bpm. After that, I can master the rest of the single stroke based-rudiment at 90 bpm including diddles which are a combination of singles and doubles.
    • Flams are also giving me trouble and I can barely play them at 45 bpm with each flam as a 16th note. So we’ll set our benchmark for flam-based rudiments at 45 bpm.
    • Our goal is becoming a little too long to be encapsulated as a single statement so let’s describe our goal as a list from now on.
      • Become a better drummer by playing all 40 international drum rudiments:
        • Maintain double stroke roll rudiments at 120 bpm
        • Play single stroke rudiments 90 bpm
        • Play flam rudiments at 45 bpm
        • Play all rudiments with the fastest hits as 16th notes, without accents, on the snare, and for 5 minutes
  • Relevant
    • In this section, we re-consider if the goal is actually important to us after having a clear understanding of the measures necessary to achieve it. Will this improve our lives somehow? Maybe our self-worth, or financial well-being, or relationships, or joy?
    • Drumming is important to my life in many ways.  It boosts my social worth, stimulates me intellectually, gives me “flow” which is important to maintaining happiness, provides an outlet to express myself, and gives me an immediate path to meeting and bonding with people through “jamming” and discussing music.  Increasing my skills as a drummer increases all these benefits so it is definitely worth it.
  • Time-bound
    • Without a time-frame, goals become nebulous desires that get pushed to “someday” and “never”. In our example, we’ll set a time-frame for the overall goal and a time-frame for the incremental gains that we outlined in Measurable.
    • My goal is to master all the rudiments by the end of 2018. There are 40 rudiments to master and I think to master 1 rudiment per week achievable. But what does schedule mean for daily time commitment? I think it is achievable with 25 minutes of practice per day, 6 days per week. On this schedule, I’ll finish with time to spare if I start on Sunday, Jan 7. In addition, we’ll add a few more bits of criteria to make our goal more focused
    • The final version of our goal becomes
      • Become a better drummer by playing all 40 international drum rudiments:
        • Play double stroke roll rudiments at 120 bpm, do this first
        • Play single stroke rudiments 90 bpm, do this second
        • Play flam rudiments at 45 bpm, do this last
        • Play all rudiments with the fastest hits as 16th notes, without accents, on the snare, for 5 minutes
        • Master one rudiment per week by practicing 25 minutes per day Sunday through Friday

We did it!

Our goal is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. I hope you enjoyed this example and that you have a clear grasp of S.M.A.R.T. goals. Let me know what your S.M.A.R.T. New Year’s resolutions are in the comments.


Here are the S.M.A.R.T. versions of my other 2 resolutions:

  • Lose weight by dieting (same diet I used to lose 30 pounds in the first 6 months of 2017)
    • Start today
    • Eat 1 meal per day on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday and have that meal be a can of Rosarita refried beans (under 500 calories)
    • On Tuesday, eat 1 meal and have that meal be Mexican food for 1000 calories or less
    • Starting from dinner on Friday, for 24 hours eat whatever I like
    • Lose 1 pound per week starting a 190 pounds
    • Weigh 170 at the end of the year
    • For holidays, see my other post, (adjust days according to 2018)
  • Continue to excel in school by maintaining a 4.0 GPA
    • At the very least, study 5.5 hours per day Sunday through Friday including breaks using the Pomodoro Technique
    • Take off work for the 3 days before each exam to study to 7.5 hours including breaks using the Pomodoro Technique




Things I️ Know About Self-Discipline

Brain Dumpers,

I’m not having a very productive night, but it’s bed time so I’m not going to let it bother me anymore. I’m here reminding myself about how to build self-discipline so that I️ wake up tomorrow ready to go.

  1. Control your environment. Sheer will power is no match for a distracting environment. Remove everything that sends your mind off into random thoughts. This includes your cellphone and the Internet. Turn off your phone while you need to work and turn on a website blocker.

2. Self-discipline is like a muscle. Use your self-discipline so that that it gets stronger, like a muscle. The one caveat is that you can deplete this muscle. Make sure tackle the most important tasks first so that you do your best work when your discipline is fresh. Decisions also deplete your discipline muscle so reduce the amount of decisions you make by automating your day as much as possible.

3. Your discipline transfers to other tasks. When you build your discipline in one task, you build your capacity for discipline in other tasks. You actually strengthen the discipline faculty.

4) Watch your diet. Drops in blood sugar decrease your ability to stay disciplined. Make sure to stay away from sugar because you will crash and lose your discipline. Eat slow carbs and plenty of fat. Eat brain food like fish oil and walnuts

5) Sleep is important. When you’re tired, you’re not disciplined. Get nine hours of sleep per night

6) Do something meditative each day to clear your mind and being yourself to the present. A mind-cleanse will prevent you from getting distracted with thoughts about the past and present

7) Encourage yourself. Keep yourself motivated by talking positively to yourself until you complete your goals

Facebook Again, and self-control

Hi, Brain Dumpers,

I just realized that deleting my Facebook app won’t work because I actually need to have the app in order to post Instagram photos to my Facebook timeline. I run an Instagram profile about food and I need my posts to reach Facebook too. So, I have to keep the app on my phone. Too bad.

This is actually a chance for me to work on my self-control. I’ll be trying not to go on the app. Instead, I’ll just have it sitting there so I can make Instagram posts to my timeline.

I’m trying to act less impulsively in general, so I’ll need to plan my moves ahead of time. I need a planner and I don’t do well with my iPhone calendar. It’s too cumbersome to schedule things and I just want to be able to write things down quickly. I need a planner. I have a small planner that I use right now that has been working but it doesn’t have the space I need to actually make a schedule. It works more like a checklist. I think I’m going to buy one today. I’ll check Wal-Mart.  I hesitate to make a commitment to use a planner though because I don’t like the idea of carrying it around. I guess I could just leave it in my car. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll keep the small planner in my pocket and take notes throughout the day and transfer those notes to my big planner that I keep in my car. Seems good. I think this will go a long way in helping me to be less impulsive. I’ll just plan out my weeks each week and stick to it.


Holla at cha boi, Brain Dumpers,

I’m feeling super good right now. Almost too good. I spent about 3 hours today reading a book called The Magic of Thinking Big. The book talks about achieving success through managed thinking. For example, to have success-inducing thoughts, you must manage your memory.  It says,

Your memory bank automatically answers and supplies you with bits of information relating to this situation that you deposited on previous occasions. Your memory, then, is the basic supplier of raw material for your new thought.

Stuff like that. It’s all blowing my mind. Mind you, this is like the 3rd time I’m reading it. It still blows my mind.

The book is exciting me and has sparked new belief in myself. I’ve never thought I could be a manager, but now, a managerial position doesn’t seem out of reach. I believe I can do it.


I want to make sure that I keep myself to true to my intentions even though I feel really good. In the past, I went through a period of really intense self-aggrandizement during which I bragged all the time about what I was going to do and how awesome I was. I had no substance though, no true belief in my abilities and no discipline.

Fast forward to now.

I now have a degree and a professional certificate; I have more discipline; I value keeping my mouth shut and getting to work.  I take this feeling-really-good thing with caution. I need to make sure that I don’t get back into my old habits of expounding endlessly about my aspirations while not doing anything.

Random segue.

I also had the thought that I’d like to be a father. But that’s not something that I actually want to do. I know that my overall goal is to be the best musician I can be and I can’t do that if I have to worry about having a kid. Besides, I don’t know how to raise a kid. I don’t even want to be married, that would suck. Yeah, it’s better for me not to have a kid. I need to focus on my music.

Brain dump ready set go.

All I want is to be a musician. I want to make millions of dollars, be in millions of people’s ears, inspire other musicians to play, and touch millions of lives. The book tells me to think big and think big I will. Except that I will not tell anyone about these aspirations. Only you guys know. I guess if I put in all my effort, there is a literal chance. If you’re talking about literal probability there is a literal chance that I will get this.  I’ll hang tight to this possibility and keep my mouth shut about it. It sounds ludicrous to any reasonable person, but people who actually did it will understand that these aspirations can be achieved. No one can know my crazy dreams. Seriously, no one can know. I can’t tell a soul. You will be my sounding board, my lovely Brain Dumpers.


Reintroducing Myself to the World of Getting Shit Off My Mind

Salutations you sexy Salsbury steaks!

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps.

I’m sitting here wondering if can actually incorporate blogging back into my life. I know it’s good for me to work through my thoughts and I do that best when I write. I have little time during the day though.

Here’s my day most days:

  1. 7:00AM: Wake up. Wake up! Grab your clothes and put on a little makeup
  2. 8:30AM School and/or work till 1:30PM
  3. 1:30PM Eat on the way home (I’ve recently been trying to save time by eating in the car)
  4. 2:00PM Study
  5. 3:30PM Drum
  6. 4:00PM Study
  7. 5:30PM Drum
  8. 6:00PM Study
  9. 7:30PM Drum
  10. 8:00PM Study
  11. 9:30PM Get ready for bed
  12. 10:00PM Bed

I know what you’re thinking. Why the fuck would anybody watch Ace Ventura: Pet Detective when they could watch Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls? What you should be asking is why I can’t write a blog post instead of playing drums during one of those 30-minute blocks. Well, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. I really really really want a zig-a-zig ahhh. . .

My goal in life is to make money via music. All other goals are in service of attaining a lifestyle in which I make money playing or teaching music. Even if I don’t make a lot of money, I still want to do it. So skipping drum practice is out of the question.

So, how can I incorporate blogging? I’m thinking that I should cut my study hours down by 90 minutes per day and play drums all at once for 90 minutes right when I get home at 2:00PM. Then, I’ll be able to blog during one of the 30-minute blocks that I’m currently reserving for drumming. I think I’ll be able to handle it. . . I do have to take study time seriously as I’m getting my master’s degree. . . I think I can do it.


I Feel Like I Accomplished Nothing Today

Brain Dumpers,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps. I’m your host, Marcus. My last name shall forever be a secret.

I’m coming to you today in a state of unrest.  I feel uneasy because I feel like I didn’t really accomplish anything today -like today didn’t even matter. From an outside perspective, I accomplished several things:

  1. Got my blood drawn for lab tests. Kind of an accomplishment
  2. Played 90 minutes of drums
  3. Finished some extra credit for my programming class
  4. Read The 4-Hour Workweek

That’s a pretty good day I guess. But I’m upset because I didn’t do more. I should have practiced drums for 2 full hours. I should have studied for my test after finishing the extra credit. I should have gone to the gym. But I’m also having another thought: would it have really mattered if I had done all the things I was supposed to do? I guess I need to find purpose. I say that my purpose is to eventually help people. But I don’t know what that means. I also have a new thought that I need to express myself and make music or art. . . . I don’t know. I think I’m on the right path to finding purpose. My ultimate goal is to share music with people that they will enjoy. Something that gives them catharsis -like Dashboard Confessional. I’ll need to rethink the way I’m approaching music and really think about how I’m going to spend my time if I want to make the music that I want to make. I can feel myself getting excited by the thought.

But I want to do something interesting too. Funk screamo?



Facebook Killing Time

Brain Dumpers,

Not doing well my dudes. Today started out with potential. I woke up later than usual because I went to sleep later than usual last night. But I woke up before 1PM which is when I play the drums. That didn’t happen because I told myself that I had already played enough this weekend. Then I went out to eat with my family instead of going to the gym. It wasn’t a special occasion or anything. Jesus. I started my scheduled study time late because I was reading a book. And then I didn’t study for long because I was getting tired. I think this whole day was ruined because I went to sleep late. I’m not making that mistake again today. I took 10mg of melatonin, a NyQuil, and a glass of wine. I’ll wake up on time tomorrow and I’ll be back to my normal schedule.

I’m having doubt about my ability to stay off social media. I stayed up really late because I was on Facebook looking at random shitake. I think I need to use the Self-Control app all the time. I think it’s going to be my nightly routine to just turn on the Self-Control app for 24 hours each night so that I can stay off of it until the next night when I need to make my regular daily post.

Howdy doody, Brain Dumpers,

I’m going to break down the success I’m having with my habits. I really haven’t been reading that much and it’s bad. I’ve probably read only like 50 pages in the past week. . . I’m supposed to read 30 minutes a day which means about 15 pages per day which means  download.jpeg

105 pages per week.  I’m less than half for the week. I want to say that I’ve had no time because I’ve been studying but that’s not true. I have time. I just waste time instead just looking at random videos. So, that’s bad. . .

I also have not been writing blog posts consistently and that’s been going on for like 2 months now. I really need to blog because it’s my chance to reflect on my progress with my life and my habits. So, I need to do that. The Internet pretty much gets in the way. I mean I LET it get in the way. I have to stop. I downloaded an app that will stop me from using certain sites for a designated period of time. It works wonders when I use it, I just dread using it so much I can’t get myself to turn it on. I guess that’s something I need to get used to. Even if I DO turn the app on, I always have my phone to distract me. . . Maybe I should just get a flip phone? But probably not, because then I can’t upload pictures of food. Something I have a good track record of doing for the past 2 years. I really can’t stop. . . it’s too much of my online presence to give up. . . Plus I want to be held accountable for the things that I eat. That was the whole of starting it. I should really be aware of the image that I’m putting out. I should only try to eat healthy food. Really. Except for 24 hours on the weekend. But yeah. . . Not doing all that well with my habits. I should really be drinking less caffeine too. But that doesn’t bother me that much

If I were to list the things that weren’t going right they would be

  • not studying consistently
  • not drumming at a consistent time
  • spending too much time surfing the internet, which is a big one
  • staying up too late
  • not reading enough
  • not going to the gym consistently

I have these reflective moments but it’s hard to do something about it. I guess it’s not actually if I were to think of way to work on these things they would be

  • not studying consistently: schedule out a time and place to study. give myself 1 dollar for every 45 minutes of studying
  • not drumming at a consistent time: schedule out a time and a place to drum. make sure that I stick to my study schedule so that I don’t need to study in place of my drumming time
  • for spending too much time on the internet: turn on the self- control app and turn on the Offtime app after I get out of the gym at night
  • staying up too late: this is solved when I stop spending time on the Internet
  • Not reading enough. This is solved when I stop spending time on the internet when I need to read
  • Not going to the gym consistently: schedule a time and place to go to the gym. make sure I stick to my study schedule so that I don’t need to study during my gym time.

So that’s what I need to do. . . it’s good talking about this stuff because it helps me think about what I need to do.

I just turned on the Self-Control all for 23 hours and 45 minutes. WordPress isn’t blocked so I can still make posts.

I’ll turn on the Offtime app too.


Purpose and Shit

Brain Dumpers of Earth!

I’m sitting here about to study, just like I am many times when I write these posts. I can’t say exactly how I feel except calm. And that’s saying something after the night I had last night. Last night, I wrestled around with voices in my head for hours.  They weren’t saying much of anything, but I felt like I could feel people’s presence in my head, like they were watching me or listening to me. At one point in the night, I felt like two of my favorite bands were introducing themselves to me. I was supposed to say something in response that made them okay with meeting me. Keep in mind, I know this is fake the entire time, I know people don’t hear voices. If they did hear voices regularly, I would assume that we’d all be okay with it, but we’re not, so I must be imagining things. So, I hold that to be true. However, some part of me keeps thinking it’s real, that I can somehow communicate with people’s spirits in my head. This thought is completely bologne, though. Like I said, people would be talking about hearing voices all the time if everybody heard voices and if they could really communicate with spirits.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just wanted to talk about it because this episode was so troubling to me. Not that I was freaked out, I was just annoyed because I couldn’t go to sleep. My old therapist would say to cut back on the caffeine, since that’s what triggers voice hearing in people like me. I have to say, I do drink a lot of caffeine.

Randomly, I’m thinking about this crazy lady who thinks that the Monster energy drink company is trying to spread satanic messages. She thinks that the logo’s and other symbols on the Monster energy drinks have secrets satanic symbolism. She thinks that the “M”, which looks like three scratch marks, are actually the Hebrew symbols for 666. I don’t know why I watched the whole video. She fucking crazy. The crazier part is that, for a moment, I thought, “OMG she’s onto something”. That’s how crazy I am. I started seeing patterns in things about 2 years ago. I see these patterns where any sane person wouldn’t see patterns. The Monster energy drink can is the perfect example. Thank Buddha, I have a voice of reason in my head that tells me shit like that is stupid. I’ve learned to not trust the patterns. I only see patterns in quilts now.

I feel good that I got that out of my system. That shit is crazy and all I want to do is to get everything off my mind so that I can study. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know who the hell I’m asking but, fuck it. Please Magical ancestors of dead Harry Potter wizards, call the Flying Spaghetti Monster to let me concentrate.

Oh god I feel like making love. I feel like making love to you. Ooooo baby I love the way.

Okay seriously I just want to study. I have to finish my homework tonight and it’s going to take me 8 hours just to get it done. If I start in 10 minutes, I’ll have it done by 11pm. Jesus fucking Christ my homework is hard. I also need to fucking study for my exam on wednesday and I feel like I’m fucking so far behind. I barely know how to write functions. It took me three hours to write like 20 lines of code. Of course, I can’t be that mad because shorter code is better. So, I did a good job. It just doesn’t feel like much because the output is so short.

I don’t feel like this brain dump is going well I keep thinking I’m holding back and I think I am.

Okay, let’s think about what I’ve learned so far:

  1. don’t use data types in function calls
  2. don’t use the same variable identifier in function calls as in the function declaration or the header of the function definition

That’s about it. Okay I almost forgot to look over reasons why I’m actually studying. Let me do that really quickly BRB.

God, I just looked at them and I’m feeling like these things are never going to get accomplished. And none of them excite me really. I think that I’ve gotten so used to my current living situation that I can’t even see how much better my life would be if I had the things that I want. But no, I shall keep working toward those things because I know in I will appreciate them when I have them. I just don’t FEEL like I would. . . does that make sense?

Let’s take the tiny house. I really want a tiny house so that I can live cheaply and not have much to manage. I don’t want to clean a large space. And having a small space will restrict the amount of clutter that I can bring into my life. Messy house, messy mind. And I can’t have a mess when I don’t have enough stuff to make a mess with. I also just like the idea of being a rebel. I’d be sticking my finger up at the notion that I need more to be happy. I think that opposite, the less you have, the more you can focus on the things you want to DO and BE. Yes, sometimes (this is what Tim Ferriss said) you’ll need a few things to help you along to be and do those things, but those things are just a means to an end. Essentially I want a life without trophies. The only trophies I want are those that are not empty braggin rights. Diplomas and awars. But anyway, smaller house, smaller monthly bill, less management of stuff, rebel.

I also want a job that will allow me to work from anywhere. This is the biggest benefit that my Master’s degree will get me. I want to work from home or live in a foreign country and work from there. Right now, I’m just thinking that I maybe won’t get it. But that doesn’t matter I will get it. And I will keep working until I get it. It doesn’t matter that I have doubts. I’m not going to set my sights lower.

My ultimate goal is to be able to play drums for 4 hours per day and to read 2 hours per day. Yeah, this seems selfish, but I’ll find a way to help people later on. According to the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. It’s okay to have a self-centered purpose to start out with and then realign yourself to have an other-centered purpose. This book was endorsed by Malcolm Gladwell, so it’s not just a quacky book. So that’s my overall goal, to have a life in which I can play the drums and read. Everything I’m working for moves me toward that goal. Fuck it, I said I wasn’t going to set my sights lower. I’m going to shoot for the moon. I’m going to try to make it as a rock drummer and live completely of my drumming. That’s what I want to do. But I also want the discipline to keep playing drums for 4 hours per day. Maybe even 8. I’m fucking so lost. . . haha. . .  I don’t even know what my overall goal is.  I just want to do it the Tim Ferriss way. . . start an automated, location independent business that brings me the bare minimum income I need to play drums for 4 hours per day and travel anywhere my band needs me. Then I’ll move into making money just off my drumming. . . So, step one. . . Get a remote job that makes me enough money to live and start a business. Step two start an automated, location independent business that frees up my time. Step three get so good at the drums that I can make money off playing. I’m not going to postpone practicing my drums though. I need to practice every day starting now. It all starts with homework. I also want enough money to buy all the Magic: the Gathering cards that I want. That really motivates me for some reason.

Ramble on.


REALLY Freaking Long Brain Dump With a List of Things My Degree Would Buy Me.

Freaking Brain Freakin Dumpers,

I’m writing this post almost out of desperation. Things are shit right now with my studies. I can’t really say why I stayed up really late night . . . oh wait, I fucking can. I stayed up late because I was watching videos on my fucking phone until 2AM. Jesus christ, I can evens stand penises. Jesus penises are stupid. I’m really getting off track here. I can’t believe that I’m typing so slowly. anyway, I stayed up really late and I just took a long nap today because of it. I feel stupid quite honestly. I’m a stupid person but I did act stupidly yesterday. I swear, I need to make an app that stops you from going on certain other apps for a designated period of time. I need to fucking make that app. I general, I’m a happy guy today. I’m too happy actually I’m not as worried about my grades as I should be I’m thinking “oh, everything will be fine. I’m not going to fail. I can drop the lowest test score. I’m just going to study more tomorrow.”Well I should be more fucking worried. Here’s why. If I don’t get an A on this exam, I lower my chances to get an A in the fucking class. If I get anything lower than an A in the class, I won’t get into my Master’s program. If I don’t get into my Master’s program It’ll be VERY difficult to get a remote job doing software engineering. If I don’t get a remote job doing software engineering, I won’t be able to work from anywhere and choose my own hours. If I’m not able work from anywhere and choose my own hours, I won’t be able to travel and drums whenever I want. Drumming is my ultimate purpose and I need freedom if I’m going to drum. This is stupid. I need to realize that every bit of effort counts towards my larger goal. I’m serious. I’m thinking that my saying I’m serious takes the punch out of actually being serious. Well, I don’t care. I’m going to say it “I’m serious” Seriously, want to punch myself in the throat for that last sentence. OMG I’m becoming a distracted tin man trying to get a heart in middle of an oil factory.

HOly shit. I’m freaking unbelievable. I don’t want to say stupid because that’s the wrong word. NEVER CALL YOURSELF STUPID. I’m distractible. Holy shit, I’m distractible. I just saved myself from posting on Facebook. I was a bout to post the line I just wrote about being a tin man looking for a heart in an oil factory.  Although I do want people to hear it. It isn’t a genious line and it won’t hurt me any to not say it. BUT FUUUUUUUCK it doesn’t matter, I’m not going to post it. Jesus, this post is going well actually I really like how much I’m thinking through things and just Brain Dumping all over the place, which is why I write these posts anyway. Jesus I don’t know why it’s been so long since I actually did a post like this in which I actually brain dump legit. Jesus I’m talking and writing like an idiot. I’m speaking in colloquials and I’m really going to fucking get annoyed if my inner voice starts talking like a bro or someone from the Jersey Shore I feel like an idiot god, I hope my seat isn’t taken. Haha I literally moved from my car back into Taco Bell to get at my seat. And now I fucking regret it. I also moved in here so that I could make sure I wouldn’t lose this post for not being on the Internet (GOD THAT WAS THE WORST SENTENCE). Okay seriously I need to study and this is actually kind of making it better. I was thinking that this is making it worse but this is actuallly making things better. I’m thinking about all the things that I need to think about and I’m clearing my mind and priming myself to use the computer. Writing is a beautiful thing. (jesus, this is going to be har to read. and my writing is really fucking sloppy, but this is brain dumps so anything goes, but you know that. so why am I saying it jesus, this is a long tangent) writing is crystallized thought I reflects the writer at his best thinking. the thoughts have been written, rewritten and honed to perfection, unless you’re doing a brain dump like I am but usually it’s thought out and carefully honed. I don’t know what else to write about and I really want to keep writing. I think I have trouble speaking about concepts. maybe. even having that thought make me uncomfortable and makes me want to deny it without any further exploration. I can’t do that anymore I need to reflect honestly about my abilities. but I should not question what I’ve established to be ture. Unless some other thing challenges it, then I should reevaluate (jesus, that’s a hard fucking word to spell. ) Alright, so, I’m about to study. I’m thinking that I know how to study but that I’m just not doing it because it takes self-discipline, something I need plenty more of. I want to say that I don’t have any and that I suck, but that’s not true by any reasonable person’s standards. I’m consistent and I carry through with things that I want to do, as evidenced by my steady drumming and the degrees I’ve going so far. I can’t let this assessment be a reason for letting myself off the hook I’ve said it so many times but I’m acting like I’m off the hook. I really can’t let myself be off the hook unless I want to stagnate. If I want to stay in the same place forever and never move out, and continue to live in my parents house, (god, the longer I stay here the more I see myself as a loser, and I’m not a loser) then I can let myself off the hook but if I want more than I need to keep myself disciplined.

Here are a list of things that I want that I need my degree for.

  1. My own tiny house
  2. remote job
    1. work from anywhere
    2. live anywhere
  3. making money to buy things
    1. new drum set
    2. guitar
    3. recording equipment
    4. Magic: the Gathering tier one decks
    5. drum clinic with Benny Greb
  4. know how to make apps and websites
  5. savings for the future and investment
  6. seed money for business
  7. Money to travel
  8. money to buy gifts for people
  9. perfect wardrobe
  10. recurring subscriptions for hassle-free refills of all the things that I need month to month
    1. headspace,
    2. spotify
    3. fuego box
    4. reorders of refried beans
    5. vape juice and coils
  11. money to go out to really good restaurants
  12. the perfect kitchen with perfect appliances and kitchenware
  13. New computer
  14. gigantic tour bus like for bands.

And that’s about it, I’m sure I can think of a bunch of other things but those are the big things. I think I should make a list of all the things that I really want and put them on my phone somewhere so that I can look at it whenever I need motivation. I think I’ll do that right now, even before I finish this post.

Alright, I’m done

Jesus, I’ve been writing this post now for two hours and I don’t think i’m that close to finishing. I think it’s been too long since I last did an actual Brain Dump. I feel like I have so much more to think about. I think I should keep writing until I have nothing left to say or nothing else to write about. So, I just made the list of all the things that I need my degree for and I think it’s going to help me to stay motivated to study. Right now, I feel like I’m wasting time just writing and not actually studying. Tim Ferriss would say that writing is a “crutch activity” -it makes me feel like I’m being productive when I’m actually not accomplishing anything. I really feel like that rightr now. I don’t know why I keep writing then. i just feel like I need to get things off of my mind right now and to keep thinking until I have nothing more to think about. wow I said that already. I think I write differently when I’m in different places. I was just at Taco Bell and I was cussing up a fucking storm and now I’m home and I’m not cussing that much anymore. For some reason I keep thinking about how my sister would say “I’m cussing up a fucking storm” I’m also thinking about how deep my sister has gotten into feminism. Not to say that feminism is bad, I just think she is becoming more and more self-righteous about all of her causes. It doesn’t seems like she’s coming out of a place of caring. It seems like it comes out of the desire to berate other people. Now, I can’t this for sure. . . but this is the feeling I get. I really don’t want to think about what I’m thinking about right now So I won’t write about it. I will just move on. I really think that Emma Watson is a really good example of being a feminist. she’s capable, informed, brave, and caring. I think all women should take her example. And I wish all women looked like her. I would like the whole world to be clones of Emma Watson. And I want two of them. I’m thinking about what my sister would have to say if I told her that I wanted two Emma Watsons. I’m constantly interrupted by imaginary conversations with my sister. it’s really annoying, . . haha and it’s all her fault! JK. I think about imaginary conversations with random people all the time. but most of the time when I’m imagining a conversation it’s with my sister and we’re arguing. She’s really annoying me lately with her constant nagging about everything I do. I really just want to tell her to shut up. But she’s so freaking emotionally heightened that it’s just way too much to deal with her. She would blow the fuck up and and we’d be screaming at each other. The worst part of it is, she’s completely okay with going to bed mad at each other. the key to any good relationship is to clear the air as soon as possible and for each party to have faith that the realtionship can improve. I feel like I really hit my stride when I talk about relationships and shit, even though I’m no good at them. does that make me a hippocrit? I don’t know. It kind of sounds like it does. and now I’m just rambing. I can’t believe that I’ve been writing for so long. It feels good to hear my own voice and to stop the constant nagging influx of media.

I just took a piss. I think I might have a need to post every single thing that comes to my mind, whether it’s important or not. Maybe I feel the need to be heard. Maybe I’m just analyzing my shit way too much and not getting any work done. But I still feel like I need to say more. the thoughts just keep coming and it’s been a while since I’ve just sat down and really thought about anything. okay I will just keep writing, I will stop no later than 7pm, it’s 6:15 right now. Have I forgotten all that I learned from On Writing Well? I don’t know I know that I’m not really trying to write anything good right now. I’m just brain dumping and it feels good. wow i really like this. i just keep writing and keep thinking and I’m not afraid that it doesn’t make sense or that it rambles I just keep writing and wow, the thought are coming really smoothly now for me. It’s been a while since I’ve had a certain nagging thought from coming into my mind. It used to overwhelm my thoughts, but now it’s going away. anyway I don’t want to think about it but now I am. I’m thinking about what my sister would say if she heard me think these things. . . . .But she CAN. SHE CAN READ MINDS!!! buahahaha. jk omg I’m really just wasting time right now. but this is so fun right now. I’m thinking of Emma Watson right now and I imagine her smiling at me while I write. I think she likes that I like to write so much. haha. Okay, I’m in weird territory where I’m thinking about thinking and I don’t really like it to much. my inner voice just switch to Emma Watson voice and I like it. In fact its the best thing that’s ever happened to my darling. Jk. I really am not being honest about what I’m thinking, even though I try really hard. I’m constantly editing myself. so that I sound coherent. I kind of want to do an experiment where I just write whatever the hell comes into my mind (like I haven’t been doing that already.) wow I’m just got interrupted by the thought of my step mom making dinner. and I’m just commenting on everything that I hear or smell or see. I think I might have reached the moment where I’m just really in the moment and I’m just writing just to write. the thoughts are coming really fast I feel retarded and I’m still writing there’s nothing stopping me omg what is he doing he’s the fastest writer I’ve ever seens. god this is going off the rails. I think this might be getting counter productive at this point. I’m just imagining people commenting on what I’m actually writing and it doesn’t really serve a purpose.

I’m glad I wrote this. Emma Watson, give me your hair so I can make polyjuice potion for the next girl I meet.