Hey Brain Dumpers,

Wassssssssa

I’m having trouble going to bed a reasonable time and it’s screwing my whole life up. I was tired all day today because I didn’t go to sleep last night until like 2AM. I drank a bunch of Diet Coke and that didn’t really help at all. I also found out that salt increase risk of heart disease and heart failure, which means I need to stop drinking so much Diet Coke. . . . so lack of sleep is increasing my risk of heart failure. I stop studying every night at 10:30 and then promptly hop back on the Internet to spoil my brain. Not good. I keep doing this and I really fucking like it but I want it to stop. I really do. I know that I can just turn on the Self Control Mac app to prevent me from going on social media. . . that would be a good idea. But I’m tempted to go on social media so much that I don’t want to turn it on. Tonight, I just kept watching videos and kept scrolling through random stuff on Facebook until midnight. Time just flew by. I think I might just need to a lot some time to go on social media at night so that I can get it out of my system. . . but I’m doing that now already and I’m still not stopping. I just need self-discipline. I need to use the Self-Control app. That will be my ticket out.

I’m having  a weird experience with myself lately. I feel less guilty for wasting time than I usually do. I think that things are going so well that I feel less guilty overall. Guilt is good though, it motivates me to do better and to seek improvement. I’m not guilty enough. I’m getting too comfortable too. I feel so comfortable that I’m no longer wanting to change things in my life, and that’s not good. I don’t want to become the fat man in the red BMW. I’m doing well but I’m not doing well enough. I don’t have my Master’s degree yet, I don’t have a house yet. I don’t have complete control over myself yet. I’m not at an acceptable weight yet. I can’t rest right now. I need to keep improving. I’m not that good of a drummer yet. There are so many things that I need to improve. But I’m feeling content and that’s not good. Oh god what has my life become I’m getting so complacent and I don’t want to be here at this place. My whole life is just joke right now. Maybe I won’t go so far as to say that but I indeed need to improve I feel like I need to motivate myself more and that I need to take action by reading more books about taking action and that I need to read more in general. I really need to make sure that I stay motivated to do more for myself. I really want to improve and now I’m thinking that I don’t really want things to change but that is a really bad thought. I think I should always want things to change for the better.

By going to bed earlier, I will have more energy to complete the things that I need to complete each day. drumming gym and studying. . . right now I’m thinking that I won’t do anything with this realization and it’s not good

dishes

Brain Dumpers, bring me some pizza,

I actually can’t eat pizza because I’m on a diet. But bring me some fucking relief, my step mom is getting on my case about not pouring water over dirty dishes. I’m pretty sure she’s lying when she says that I didn’t pour water over my dirty bean bowl. I always do it. She’s told me once before, and I’ve always done ever since. I swear to god. I think she’s lying. I feel like she has to lie or get on my case about something since things aren’t going well with my dad. I swear to god I wish I could just fix their relationship. I mean, it’s not that bad. Mostly good I say. But lately, he’s been getting really negative and not listening to what she wants. It’s the same thing that happened with my real mom. Except my mom didn’t take that shit. She was assertive and made sure she was heard. My stepmom, on the otherhand, really just wants to avoid conflict so she’s taking this shit from him. Sooner or later, their going to have a fight and he’ll get really nasty. Not good. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to be blamed for these dishes. I pour water over the dirty dishes every single freaking time. I think of her and what she would like me to do and I do it. I’ve never not listened to what she said. If things keep going this way, we’ll just have resentment without any grounds. The other day. She was really short with me when saying that I should do the dishes when she was out of town. She was telling me like I was going to argue. I have the opposite problem. I get really submissive really easily and I don’t speak up for myself as much as I should. I don’t understand why she was getting so mad. I think she’s starting to take things out on me and I hope to Buddha that it stops. I really just want to say, “Hey are you generally mad at me for some reason? because you’ve been treating me weirdly”. I guess it’s not a big deal, but it just sucks. I’m going to act like she wasn’t lying and take extra care that I pour water on the dishes. In fact, I’m going to take picture each time I do it so that she doesn’t come after me again. I’ll have proof that I do it every time. God, maybe that’s overkill. But I’m just really bummed out that she’s taking things out on me. I asked what the dish was that caused her to talk to me. She said she couldn’t remember! How can you not remember the dish that was giving you trouble if it gave you enough trouble to come talk to me? What the fuck? I can feel myself getting hostile and that’s not what I want. I’m just going to assume that I fucked up and be on my merry way.

I actually might be wrong. let’s just assume I fucked up and I’ll have to look out more

Facebook Killing Time

Brain Dumpers,

Not doing well my dudes. Today started out with potential. I woke up later than usual because I went to sleep later than usual last night. But I woke up before 1PM which is when I play the drums. That didn’t happen because I told myself that I had already played enough this weekend. Then I went out to eat with my family instead of going to the gym. It wasn’t a special occasion or anything. Jesus. I started my scheduled study time late because I was reading a book. And then I didn’t study for long because I was getting tired. I think this whole day was ruined because I went to sleep late. I’m not making that mistake again today. I took 10mg of melatonin, a NyQuil, and a glass of wine. I’ll wake up on time tomorrow and I’ll be back to my normal schedule.

I’m having doubt about my ability to stay off social media. I stayed up really late because I was on Facebook looking at random shitake. I think I need to use the Self-Control app all the time. I think it’s going to be my nightly routine to just turn on the Self-Control app for 24 hours each night so that I can stay off of it until the next night when I need to make my regular daily post.

Third Eye Blind Forever

Hola Beautiful Brain Dumpers,

Twenty years ago today, Third Eye Blind released their debut album and the best mother fucking record of all time. Not joking. Look it up. This band came to me right after my parents got divorced. The ugly bankruptcy and custody battles and other proceedings left me and my siblings in a new city and a new school and a new family. Everything was strange but the poppy sound of this band became instantly familiar. Accessible like no other, they hooked me in like they hooked everyone in during the late nineties. I was also into the Backstreet Boys but thank god they sucked more than this band. Anyways. When other people stopped listening to them, I just kind of kept going. The lyrics were haunting and I just couldn’t get them out of my fucking head. Nor did I want to.  “I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been livin’ in.” Sweet sweet mind rape. . . They raped me all the way through high school and stuck with me while I considered suicide. After listening to Motorcycle Driveby and screaming, “I’ve never been so alone and I’ve, I’ve never been so alive” I felt wiped clean, reacquainted with the simple and only truth that I am alive. I liked it, being a clean slate with all possibilities in front of me . . . Thousands of replays later. I’m stilling blasting their songs on the freeway, finding even more meaning in their lyrics. They’ve taught me that there’s nothing wrong if I can’t find a point to life (Another Life by Third Eye Blind).  But anyways, Happy 20th Birthday, Third Eye Blind.

Not Good

Sad greetings, Brain Dumpers, 😦

I’m not doing too well and I know that you don’t want to hear that. The first thing I can say is that I wish I were doing better with my habits. I’ve let myself fall into bad habits. I keep saying this but I’m not doing anything about it. I really don’t even want to reflect on myself right now but I know I need to. I had a good birthday party since we last spoke. I went out to eat Japanese food with my family and ate live octopus. I feel shitty today, though. I’m mostly feeling bad because I didn’t practice drums for a full two hours. I only practice for 1 hour and 50 minutes. I know that seems like it not a lot of time lost but I could’ve avoided losing that time if I hadn’t smoked a cigarette. The cigarette is not the problem. The real problem is that I wasted the time. God I don’t even want to write right now. If I could list all the things that went wrong today, I would have a long list. In fact, let me list them right now

  1. I didn’t wake up on time. And this is because I stayed up late watching Bicentennial Man with my sister.
  2. I didn’t practice the full two hours on my drums because I wanted to smoke a cigarette.
  3. I didn’t go to the gym because I wanted to stay home and write this blog post
  4. I didn’t study because I went out with my sister to donate stuff to Goodwill and buy Magic cards.
  5. All of this could’ve been avoided

I’m going to buy a notebook so I can take notes about my day as I go along. I hope that I can reflect on the day every day so I can gain some insight into how I’m doing.

bye cyah peace

Howdy doody, Brain Dumpers,

I’m going to break down the success I’m having with my habits. I really haven’t been reading that much and it’s bad. I’ve probably read only like 50 pages in the past week. . . I’m supposed to read 30 minutes a day which means about 15 pages per day which means  download.jpeg

105 pages per week.  I’m less than half for the week. I want to say that I’ve had no time because I’ve been studying but that’s not true. I have time. I just waste time instead just looking at random videos. So, that’s bad. . .

I also have not been writing blog posts consistently and that’s been going on for like 2 months now. I really need to blog because it’s my chance to reflect on my progress with my life and my habits. So, I need to do that. The Internet pretty much gets in the way. I mean I LET it get in the way. I have to stop. I downloaded an app that will stop me from using certain sites for a designated period of time. It works wonders when I use it, I just dread using it so much I can’t get myself to turn it on. I guess that’s something I need to get used to. Even if I DO turn the app on, I always have my phone to distract me. . . Maybe I should just get a flip phone? But probably not, because then I can’t upload pictures of food. Something I have a good track record of doing for the past 2 years. I really can’t stop. . . it’s too much of my online presence to give up. . . Plus I want to be held accountable for the things that I eat. That was the whole of starting it. I should really be aware of the image that I’m putting out. I should only try to eat healthy food. Really. Except for 24 hours on the weekend. But yeah. . . Not doing all that well with my habits. I should really be drinking less caffeine too. But that doesn’t bother me that much

If I were to list the things that weren’t going right they would be

  • not studying consistently
  • not drumming at a consistent time
  • spending too much time surfing the internet, which is a big one
  • staying up too late
  • not reading enough
  • not going to the gym consistently

I have these reflective moments but it’s hard to do something about it. I guess it’s not actually if I were to think of way to work on these things they would be

  • not studying consistently: schedule out a time and place to study. give myself 1 dollar for every 45 minutes of studying
  • not drumming at a consistent time: schedule out a time and a place to drum. make sure that I stick to my study schedule so that I don’t need to study in place of my drumming time
  • for spending too much time on the internet: turn on the self- control app and turn on the Offtime app after I get out of the gym at night
  • staying up too late: this is solved when I stop spending time on the Internet
  • Not reading enough. This is solved when I stop spending time on the internet when I need to read
  • Not going to the gym consistently: schedule a time and place to go to the gym. make sure I stick to my study schedule so that I don’t need to study during my gym time.

So that’s what I need to do. . . it’s good talking about this stuff because it helps me think about what I need to do.

I just turned on the Self-Control all for 23 hours and 45 minutes. WordPress isn’t blocked so I can still make posts.

I’ll turn on the Offtime app too.

Marcus

Pee on the Toilet Seat

Hello sexy kittens,

Welcome to another fucking episode of Marcus Brain Dumps.

Dude, this fucking guy peed all over the seat in the bathroom. I walked in right after him, he saw, got in the stall, peed all over the seat and smiled at me as he walked out. Jackass. I would like to pee all over his car seat.

In other news, I’m sitting here about to study. I have a big day ahead of me and I need to make sure that I worked on the text review my teacher gave me. The topics seem murky and hard to comprehend. I have a lot of learning to do.

God fucking dammit. That ruined my fucking. . . I hate him. Maybe he thinks that’s funny. Maybe he’s just sick.

I forgive him, but I want him to pee in his pants and for everyone to laugh at him.

Marcus

Motivation

Dear Brain Dumpers,

I know that I can work hard enough to get into the Master’s program I want to get into. I know that my capacity to work hard will increase the more I work hard. It’s like lifting weights. The more you lift the heavier the weights you can lift. I have hope that things will get better. I know that I can have the life I want. I see drumming in my future.

I actually want to talk about time management. I’m not doing well today at all. This day is just going to shit. I finished all of my homework, but I didn’t play drum OR work out like I planned. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I really need to focus up and concentrate on what I need to do. I’m in this mess because I spent so much time goofing off instead of studying. I really don’t want to be here. This is not good. I do have the power to change this and I will change it. I’ve discovered that I need to do a brain dump before every study session and that I should have a clear cut goal for that day. I should practiced the drums earlier today. I need to practice drums earlier in the day so that I’m forced to study with the time I have left in the day. If I study earlier in the day, I’ll think “Oh, I’m just going to skip drumming” and then I’ll goof off.

Good I’m feeling the drive now. I’ve got to stay motivated.

Marcus

Boring Homework

Hi Brain Dumpers,

I need another Brain Dump. I’m feeling downtrodden right now and I feel like procrastinating on my homework. I’ve already freakin finish one problem on my homework and now I just need to finish one more before I’m through. This one is going to take me a while and I know that I won’t want to do it. I think I’m feeling like I already accomplished enough and that I can stop. I also think I’m feeling really bored with the homework. It’s not that boring when I get into it though.

Marcus

Purpose and Shit

Brain Dumpers of Earth!

I’m sitting here about to study, just like I am many times when I write these posts. I can’t say exactly how I feel except calm. And that’s saying something after the night I had last night. Last night, I wrestled around with voices in my head for hours.  They weren’t saying much of anything, but I felt like I could feel people’s presence in my head, like they were watching me or listening to me. At one point in the night, I felt like two of my favorite bands were introducing themselves to me. I was supposed to say something in response that made them okay with meeting me. Keep in mind, I know this is fake the entire time, I know people don’t hear voices. If they did hear voices regularly, I would assume that we’d all be okay with it, but we’re not, so I must be imagining things. So, I hold that to be true. However, some part of me keeps thinking it’s real, that I can somehow communicate with people’s spirits in my head. This thought is completely bologne, though. Like I said, people would be talking about hearing voices all the time if everybody heard voices and if they could really communicate with spirits.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post. I just wanted to talk about it because this episode was so troubling to me. Not that I was freaked out, I was just annoyed because I couldn’t go to sleep. My old therapist would say to cut back on the caffeine, since that’s what triggers voice hearing in people like me. I have to say, I do drink a lot of caffeine.

Randomly, I’m thinking about this crazy lady who thinks that the Monster energy drink company is trying to spread satanic messages. She thinks that the logo’s and other symbols on the Monster energy drinks have secrets satanic symbolism. She thinks that the “M”, which looks like three scratch marks, are actually the Hebrew symbols for 666. I don’t know why I watched the whole video. She fucking crazy. The crazier part is that, for a moment, I thought, “OMG she’s onto something”. That’s how crazy I am. I started seeing patterns in things about 2 years ago. I see these patterns where any sane person wouldn’t see patterns. The Monster energy drink can is the perfect example. Thank Buddha, I have a voice of reason in my head that tells me shit like that is stupid. I’ve learned to not trust the patterns. I only see patterns in quilts now.

I feel good that I got that out of my system. That shit is crazy and all I want to do is to get everything off my mind so that I can study. Is that too much to ask? I don’t know who the hell I’m asking but, fuck it. Please Magical ancestors of dead Harry Potter wizards, call the Flying Spaghetti Monster to let me concentrate.

Oh god I feel like making love. I feel like making love to you. Ooooo baby I love the way.

Okay seriously I just want to study. I have to finish my homework tonight and it’s going to take me 8 hours just to get it done. If I start in 10 minutes, I’ll have it done by 11pm. Jesus fucking Christ my homework is hard. I also need to fucking study for my exam on wednesday and I feel like I’m fucking so far behind. I barely know how to write functions. It took me three hours to write like 20 lines of code. Of course, I can’t be that mad because shorter code is better. So, I did a good job. It just doesn’t feel like much because the output is so short.

I don’t feel like this brain dump is going well I keep thinking I’m holding back and I think I am.

Okay, let’s think about what I’ve learned so far:

  1. don’t use data types in function calls
  2. don’t use the same variable identifier in function calls as in the function declaration or the header of the function definition

That’s about it. Okay I almost forgot to look over reasons why I’m actually studying. Let me do that really quickly BRB.

God, I just looked at them and I’m feeling like these things are never going to get accomplished. And none of them excite me really. I think that I’ve gotten so used to my current living situation that I can’t even see how much better my life would be if I had the things that I want. But no, I shall keep working toward those things because I know in I will appreciate them when I have them. I just don’t FEEL like I would. . . does that make sense?

Let’s take the tiny house. I really want a tiny house so that I can live cheaply and not have much to manage. I don’t want to clean a large space. And having a small space will restrict the amount of clutter that I can bring into my life. Messy house, messy mind. And I can’t have a mess when I don’t have enough stuff to make a mess with. I also just like the idea of being a rebel. I’d be sticking my finger up at the notion that I need more to be happy. I think that opposite, the less you have, the more you can focus on the things you want to DO and BE. Yes, sometimes (this is what Tim Ferriss said) you’ll need a few things to help you along to be and do those things, but those things are just a means to an end. Essentially I want a life without trophies. The only trophies I want are those that are not empty braggin rights. Diplomas and awars. But anyway, smaller house, smaller monthly bill, less management of stuff, rebel.

I also want a job that will allow me to work from anywhere. This is the biggest benefit that my Master’s degree will get me. I want to work from home or live in a foreign country and work from there. Right now, I’m just thinking that I maybe won’t get it. But that doesn’t matter I will get it. And I will keep working until I get it. It doesn’t matter that I have doubts. I’m not going to set my sights lower.

My ultimate goal is to be able to play drums for 4 hours per day and to read 2 hours per day. Yeah, this seems selfish, but I’ll find a way to help people later on. According to the book Grit by Angela Duckworth. It’s okay to have a self-centered purpose to start out with and then realign yourself to have an other-centered purpose. This book was endorsed by Malcolm Gladwell, so it’s not just a quacky book. So that’s my overall goal, to have a life in which I can play the drums and read. Everything I’m working for moves me toward that goal. Fuck it, I said I wasn’t going to set my sights lower. I’m going to shoot for the moon. I’m going to try to make it as a rock drummer and live completely of my drumming. That’s what I want to do. But I also want the discipline to keep playing drums for 4 hours per day. Maybe even 8. I’m fucking so lost. . . haha. . .  I don’t even know what my overall goal is.  I just want to do it the Tim Ferriss way. . . start an automated, location independent business that brings me the bare minimum income I need to play drums for 4 hours per day and travel anywhere my band needs me. Then I’ll move into making money just off my drumming. . . So, step one. . . Get a remote job that makes me enough money to live and start a business. Step two start an automated, location independent business that frees up my time. Step three get so good at the drums that I can make money off playing. I’m not going to postpone practicing my drums though. I need to practice every day starting now. It all starts with homework. I also want enough money to buy all the Magic: the Gathering cards that I want. That really motivates me for some reason.

Ramble on.

Marcus