I’m coming to realize that I’m more like my sister in a lot of ways than I thought originally. Mainly, I’m like her because I blame people. I should say that she SOMETIMES blames people and that I’m beginning to blame people. Today, I blamed my aunt for my being paranoid about my dad selling my cat. And I really don’t like that I did that. I blamed her because she threatened (jokingly) that she was goin to throw my cat away if he sat on the bed again. I don’t like it when she does that and I know she doesn’t do it alo ti just think that she shoudl not do that any more when I wam done typing the is I hope to be clean of all my thoughts and oog no that thought is just coming out and i will try to just focus on what i am thinking about which is that i am blaming people and i think it all stated when i moved back here and when i started to live with my family and my dad down here. i really can’t blame this whole baliming thing on them too. i am that one who is responsible for  the way I cact and I should be the one who should temper myself when it comes to my behavior and I think that I should really focus on trying to make sure that I don’t blame pople especially those that have no intent of harming anybody else or who didn’t do anything . i should dish out as little blame as possible whenever possible even when i think that people deserve it. how would i feel if I was blamed for everything that I did wrong. Yes I guess I would deserve to be blamed but I would not want unneccessary or destructive criticism to come my way. I really think that I should say sorry to my aunt tomorrow and that I should be clear that I don’t blame her. But I think it’s too late and that I don’t get to say it anymore. I guess I do have to say it. though but what the fuck it would be too awkward. I’m becoming a person who doesn’t like awkward situations anymore. I used to put myself in awkward situations all the time if it meant that I would benefit or if someone would benefit from it. LLike saying sorry or for example, speaking up about something. I will make sure to control myself and make it so that I will enter awkward situations more if it means that I will benefit people. I know that it’s awkward but I can live through it. I just mean to say that I will not care anymore about what other people are doing. I really actually only started to care what people are doing when I took that job with dish one. I took that job such a long time a go and I’m still not over it. Something happened on that trip that I will never forget. I’ve already described it to you guys. II remember thinking about what other people were doing very intently and I found out that everyone was paying attention to what everyone else was doing very intently. it was like all our minds were focused on the group and what was happening. I guess this is normal. but not for me. I usually just pay attention to what is going on with me. I really think that I want to get back there and that I need to remind myself of the way I thought and did things back before I took the job with dish 1. everything was working for me up until then and I want to get back there. I was more capable and I was more in charhge of myself . I was more drivven and I was more willing to take risks. I really miss the old me, the college me. I want to get back into the same mindset that I was back then. I really think that I should start listening to the same speakers, authors, thoughtleaders, entrepreneurs, and influencers that I used to listen to. I will start with Tim Ferriss. I can swallow him and what he has to say. that is where my college life started. I started reading him and listening to him and that’s what got me inspired to go to college in the first place. I listened to him all through college and made sure that I was as much like him as I possibly could be. I’m on a mission, starting tonight to be more like Tim Ferriss again. I will get back to the same place that I was before I took the job at dish one, even considering my new mind. the mind that I now have because I heard voices, still do. I am still in control of myself and I will start feeding my mind with motivating ideas and voices and thoughts once again I will pursue all the things that made me successful through college and what helped me become really focused during that time.

thanks for the time,

un abrazo fuerte


Sister Moved Out!

Brain Dumpers,

I got my mother-fucking wish! My sister moved out and I’m excited. I’m excited to see what I’m like and what my life is like without her in the house. She moved from Orange County, CA all the way to Los Angeles. I’m so psyched. I kind of miss her. But mostly, I’m excited. I get to be home without worrying about her always getting on my case, talking down to me, telling me what to do, or making fun of me. I can just live my life in peace. I kind of feel like I’m alone now, which is a little frightening. But it’s just like training wheels for me when I really DO live on my own. I’m going to live along in my own house with just my drum set as my companion. My sister moving out is just another step along the way to emotional independence. I can stop worrying about her when I come home. I can just have the house to myself. I can have it clean, orderly and just the way I want it. My parents and I get along for the most part. It’s just my dad that gets angry and unreasonable sometimes. I’m really dreading mentioning to him my plans to get a futon because his last objection was that shipping would need to be paid for a return if we don’t like it.

I guess I’ll just show him and see if he gets mad.


Brain Dumpers,

I’m really fucking sad and I don’t know why. I was fine 20 minutes ago before I got an invitation to an awards ceremony for certificate receivers. I received a certificate in search engine optimization last year and now they’re giving out awards. I got sad when I started thinking of people to invite. I realized that everyone I invite would not want to come, but that they would maybe just go because they felt obligated to. I used to not care about this kind of stuff before and now I do. I really wish I was back to the way I was before. Not the fat and lazy part. Just the not caring part.

It’s been a while since I wrote you guys and I hope that you’re doing well. If you’re even out there haha, no one reads this thing. Comment below if you read this! Anyways, I’ve been having troubling thoughts about my sister. She’s been getting on my nerves and criticizing me and telling me what to do for the past 4 months and I’m to the point where I say, in my mind, that I don’t love her. Of course I don’t want to think that. But what the fuck? That thought crosses my mind.  I’m always happy when she’s not home and I hate spending time with her lately. I don’t know how to solve this. I think our relationship will get a lot better once she moves out. I think I need a good, long break from her. She should be moving out later this year if she can find a roommate. She also has to find a reasonably priced apartment and she also has to convince my dad to pay some of her rent. There’s a lot of work to be done and she’s not doing any of it and it’s driving me crazy. I just want her to leave. I also feel different around the people close to me. I feel like I have nothing to say to them. Mostly, I’m just a bad conversationalist. I suck at conversation. I don’t know how to do it. I’m most comfortable when I’m just playing a game with someone. I like playing board games and I like playing video games with people. It takes the pressure off and makes the rules of social interaction simple -just do what the game tells you to do. I just feel weird with every single person in my family lately it might just be a phase that I’m going through. I’m might emerge on the other side of it much better off and much more capable to relating to people. I just want to hurry up and get to the point where I have my own house and my own remote job so that I can have a place to retreat to when I’m feeling drained from interacting with people.

I should write a lot more. This shit really helps. I keep thinking about what my sister would say and I try to say the opposite. I don’t want to be like her and I keep thinking about what she would say and how she would say it. It’s frustrating to me that I can’t differentiate what I think she would say and my own thoughts. It’s really fucking frustrating. I just want to get her out of my head. It feels like I can’t relax because she’s in there. God dammit. I wish she would just move out already. I can’t stop talking like she would talk it’s been too long since I’ve used my own voice to think and talk and not hers. She’s taking over the fuck of my life. Jesus Christ. Nigger Cunt JEW CHINK HITLER TITS KKK BABY FUCKERS SKULL FUCK. Saying that shit helps me. it cleans me out. God I fucking hate her right now. Part of me kind of likes it. But that’s bad and I should stay away from my lesser self. My sister and I will be fine with each other when she comes around and when she moves out. Child molesting clown faggot! dick sauce! God it’s been way too long since I’ve written and I’ve forgotten how much I love it. Stay the fuck out of my mother fucking head mother fucking sister voice. jew nigger cunt faggot dick muncher tits fart turd twat hitler jesus nancy penis hole dick cunt deer

I guess I’m done trying to impress people. So that’s good. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing without worrying. I do need to read more though and I do need to keep up drum practice more consistently. I skipped today because I needed to study but that shouldn’t be an excuse. I should just use my study time more wisely so that I can play the drum everyday like I should be, I’ll take my practice pad with me when I go to my mom’s house on Thursday to study.

I Feel Like I Accomplished Nothing Today

Brain Dumpers,

Welcome to another episode of Marcus Brain Dumps. I’m your host, Marcus. My last name shall forever be a secret.

I’m coming to you today in a state of unrest.  I feel uneasy because I feel like I didn’t really accomplish anything today -like today didn’t even matter. From an outside perspective, I accomplished several things:

  1. Got my blood drawn for lab tests. Kind of an accomplishment
  2. Played 90 minutes of drums
  3. Finished some extra credit for my programming class
  4. Read The 4-Hour Workweek

That’s a pretty good day I guess. But I’m upset because I didn’t do more. I should have practiced drums for 2 full hours. I should have studied for my test after finishing the extra credit. I should have gone to the gym. But I’m also having another thought: would it have really mattered if I had done all the things I was supposed to do? I guess I need to find purpose. I say that my purpose is to eventually help people. But I don’t know what that means. I also have a new thought that I need to express myself and make music or art. . . . I don’t know. I think I’m on the right path to finding purpose. My ultimate goal is to share music with people that they will enjoy. Something that gives them catharsis -like Dashboard Confessional. I’ll need to rethink the way I’m approaching music and really think about how I’m going to spend my time if I want to make the music that I want to make. I can feel myself getting excited by the thought.

But I want to do something interesting too. Funk screamo?



Ahoy, Brain Dumpers,

I want to talk about drum practice. Drum practice is not going well. I keep cutting my practice time short because I keep telling myself that I need to study. Really, I do, but I could use my allotted study time better so that I maximize my time better when I’m actually supposed to study. I’m not concentrating hard enough during my normal study time.

I’m going to look up ways to study better. BRB

How to Study

  1. Use the Pomodoro Technique
    1. Study in 25-minute intervals with
    2. 5-minute break in between each interval
    3. 30-minute break every 90 minutes
      1. Meditate for 5 minutes at each of these long breaks
    4. Remove all distractions
      1. Turn off social media and distracting websites
        1. Use an app like the Self-Control MacBook app to block certain websites for an allotted block of time
      2. Turn off all notifications on your phone and computer
      3. Lock the doors
      4. No texting and no phone calls
      5. No eating or smoking except at breaks
    5. Listen to music
      1. Something calm and instrumental like this: Beautiful Mind: Best Study Music for Concentration and Better Learning – 1 Hour Music
    6. Meditate
      1. Again, meditate for 5 minutes at each long break
      2. Listen to calming instrumental music while you count breaths
    7. Single task
      1. Focus on doing one thing at a time
    8. Eat brain food
      1. Foods that release glucose slowly like complex carbs from legumes, nuts
      2. Lower your glycemic index, this can be accomplished by restricting your carb intake to the slow-release carb sources mentioned above
      3. Omega-3 fatty acids like from fish, walnuts, and flaxseed
      4. Food with tyrosine
        1. Tyrosine is an amino acid that makes you feel energized
        2. Tyrosine can be found in meat, dairy products, and eggs
      5. Remember your motivation
        1. Think about your long-term goal for studying and remind yourself before every study session

Hey Brain Dumpers,

So I just got back from hanging out with my brother and it was the fucking tits. We played Magic: the Gathering and we made some gifts for my mom for Mother’s Day and then we saw his neighbor’s band play. It was a good day.  What really stands out to me was how well the social interactions went today. Specifically, when my brother and his friends were talking about me to my brother’s friend’s girlfriend, they had good things to say about me. They talked about how I make a Facebook post every night about five good things that happened that day. And they also talked about how I take pictures of everything that I eat.  I do these things for that reason, as an apology for my otherwise “nothing” personality I really have nothing to offer socially except for these things. And then my brother’s friend said I was getting better at the drums. That’s really good to hear. That’s something interesting about me, that I actually practice the drums hard. These habits are precious to me, they make me interesting and I like that I do them. I need to keep doing these things.

I also realized that my overall goal of drumming or doing something musical for a living doesn’t seem too farfetched. I just need to keep working hard -even harder than I’m working now. I’ve got to stay faithful to my drumming and I really need to be practicing more deliberately. Now, just to figure out a way to actually implement it and know what that means in actionable steps.

My overall goal is to play music or do something music related for a living. Playing music. To do that, I need to practice a lot more than I am right now. I need to practice at least 4 hours per day. For that, I need to create more free time. To create more free time, I need to reduce the number of hours that I work while still making a livable income. To do that, I need a job in which I can make my own hours. To get a job where I can make my own hours, I need to do work that doesn’t rely on per-hour results. Work that doesn’t rely on per-hour results is project-based work -as long as I can be paid for the project, it doesn’t matter how many hours I spend on it. I’ve chosen programming. Programming is a growing field that pays well and pays based on projects, not hours. Other bonuses for programming: I like it, It makes me feel cool and smart, Programming chic and attitude is laid-back, It lends itself to remote work because all of the work can be done on the computer and submitted online -remote work will also let me work from home, which cuts down on commuting time and gas money and workplace politics and fits well with my loner personality. In order to get a livable programming job that pays based by the project, I’ll need to develop the skills and the reputation to attract employers. I’ve chosen to get a Master’s degree to do this.

Hey Brain Dumpers,


I’m having trouble going to bed a reasonable time and it’s screwing my whole life up. I was tired all day today because I didn’t go to sleep last night until like 2AM. I drank a bunch of Diet Coke and that didn’t really help at all. I also found out that salt increase risk of heart disease and heart failure, which means I need to stop drinking so much Diet Coke. . . . so lack of sleep is increasing my risk of heart failure. I stop studying every night at 10:30 and then promptly hop back on the Internet to spoil my brain. Not good. I keep doing this and I really fucking like it but I want it to stop. I really do. I know that I can just turn on the Self Control Mac app to prevent me from going on social media. . . that would be a good idea. But I’m tempted to go on social media so much that I don’t want to turn it on. Tonight, I just kept watching videos and kept scrolling through random stuff on Facebook until midnight. Time just flew by. I think I might just need to a lot some time to go on social media at night so that I can get it out of my system. . . but I’m doing that now already and I’m still not stopping. I just need self-discipline. I need to use the Self-Control app. That will be my ticket out.

I’m having  a weird experience with myself lately. I feel less guilty for wasting time than I usually do. I think that things are going so well that I feel less guilty overall. Guilt is good though, it motivates me to do better and to seek improvement. I’m not guilty enough. I’m getting too comfortable too. I feel so comfortable that I’m no longer wanting to change things in my life, and that’s not good. I don’t want to become the fat man in the red BMW. I’m doing well but I’m not doing well enough. I don’t have my Master’s degree yet, I don’t have a house yet. I don’t have complete control over myself yet. I’m not at an acceptable weight yet. I can’t rest right now. I need to keep improving. I’m not that good of a drummer yet. There are so many things that I need to improve. But I’m feeling content and that’s not good. Oh god what has my life become I’m getting so complacent and I don’t want to be here at this place. My whole life is just joke right now. Maybe I won’t go so far as to say that but I indeed need to improve I feel like I need to motivate myself more and that I need to take action by reading more books about taking action and that I need to read more in general. I really need to make sure that I stay motivated to do more for myself. I really want to improve and now I’m thinking that I don’t really want things to change but that is a really bad thought. I think I should always want things to change for the better.

By going to bed earlier, I will have more energy to complete the things that I need to complete each day. drumming gym and studying. . . right now I’m thinking that I won’t do anything with this realization and it’s not good


Brain Dumpers, bring me some pizza,

I actually can’t eat pizza because I’m on a diet. But bring me some fucking relief, my step mom is getting on my case about not pouring water over dirty dishes. I’m pretty sure she’s lying when she says that I didn’t pour water over my dirty bean bowl. I always do it. She’s told me once before, and I’ve always done ever since. I swear to god. I think she’s lying. I feel like she has to lie or get on my case about something since things aren’t going well with my dad. I swear to god I wish I could just fix their relationship. I mean, it’s not that bad. Mostly good I say. But lately, he’s been getting really negative and not listening to what she wants. It’s the same thing that happened with my real mom. Except my mom didn’t take that shit. She was assertive and made sure she was heard. My stepmom, on the otherhand, really just wants to avoid conflict so she’s taking this shit from him. Sooner or later, their going to have a fight and he’ll get really nasty. Not good. I don’t know what to do. I really don’t want to be blamed for these dishes. I pour water over the dirty dishes every single freaking time. I think of her and what she would like me to do and I do it. I’ve never not listened to what she said. If things keep going this way, we’ll just have resentment without any grounds. The other day. She was really short with me when saying that I should do the dishes when she was out of town. She was telling me like I was going to argue. I have the opposite problem. I get really submissive really easily and I don’t speak up for myself as much as I should. I don’t understand why she was getting so mad. I think she’s starting to take things out on me and I hope to Buddha that it stops. I really just want to say, “Hey are you generally mad at me for some reason? because you’ve been treating me weirdly”. I guess it’s not a big deal, but it just sucks. I’m going to act like she wasn’t lying and take extra care that I pour water on the dishes. In fact, I’m going to take picture each time I do it so that she doesn’t come after me again. I’ll have proof that I do it every time. God, maybe that’s overkill. But I’m just really bummed out that she’s taking things out on me. I asked what the dish was that caused her to talk to me. She said she couldn’t remember! How can you not remember the dish that was giving you trouble if it gave you enough trouble to come talk to me? What the fuck? I can feel myself getting hostile and that’s not what I want. I’m just going to assume that I fucked up and be on my merry way.

I actually might be wrong. let’s just assume I fucked up and I’ll have to look out more

Facebook Killing Time

Brain Dumpers,

Not doing well my dudes. Today started out with potential. I woke up later than usual because I went to sleep later than usual last night. But I woke up before 1PM which is when I play the drums. That didn’t happen because I told myself that I had already played enough this weekend. Then I went out to eat with my family instead of going to the gym. It wasn’t a special occasion or anything. Jesus. I started my scheduled study time late because I was reading a book. And then I didn’t study for long because I was getting tired. I think this whole day was ruined because I went to sleep late. I’m not making that mistake again today. I took 10mg of melatonin, a NyQuil, and a glass of wine. I’ll wake up on time tomorrow and I’ll be back to my normal schedule.

I’m having doubt about my ability to stay off social media. I stayed up really late because I was on Facebook looking at random shitake. I think I need to use the Self-Control app all the time. I think it’s going to be my nightly routine to just turn on the Self-Control app for 24 hours each night so that I can stay off of it until the next night when I need to make my regular daily post.

Third Eye Blind Forever

Hola Beautiful Brain Dumpers,

Twenty years ago today, Third Eye Blind released their debut album and the best mother fucking record of all time. Not joking. Look it up. This band came to me right after my parents got divorced. The ugly bankruptcy and custody battles and other proceedings left me and my siblings in a new city and a new school and a new family. Everything was strange but the poppy sound of this band became instantly familiar. Accessible like no other, they hooked me in like they hooked everyone in during the late nineties. I was also into the Backstreet Boys but thank god they sucked more than this band. Anyways. When other people stopped listening to them, I just kind of kept going. The lyrics were haunting and I just couldn’t get them out of my fucking head. Nor did I want to.  “I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. You could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been livin’ in.” Sweet sweet mind rape. . . They raped me all the way through high school and stuck with me while I considered suicide. After listening to Motorcycle Driveby and screaming, “I’ve never been so alone and I’ve, I’ve never been so alive” I felt wiped clean, reacquainted with the simple and only truth that I am alive. I liked it, being a clean slate with all possibilities in front of me . . . Thousands of replays later. I’m stilling blasting their songs on the freeway, finding even more meaning in their lyrics. They’ve taught me that there’s nothing wrong if I can’t find a point to life (Another Life by Third Eye Blind).  But anyways, Happy 20th Birthday, Third Eye Blind.